Posted: May 2, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Culture, Families, Mental Health, Money, Parents, Personal Safety, saying no | Tags: closet atheist, coercion, depression, disapproving parents, faking it, human-rights, mental-health, Muslim speed-dating camp, Religion, strict parents, unfair parents |
Dear Captain Awkward:
I’ve been a closet atheist for almost five years, and it’s getting kind of stuffy in here.
Here’s some background: I’m a Dawoodi Bohra Muslim, which is sort of like the Muslim equivalent of the Catholic Church, only smaller. We have organized clergy, a pope-like figure, etc, etc. My parents are devout. Most of immediate relatives are devout, with the exception of my dad’s family, whom I am no longer close to thanks to a lot of drama. My closest friend is devout.
There are a long list of reasons why I’m afraid to tell the truth to anyone:
1) I’m a freshman in college and dependent financially on my parents. If I tell them, they could do anything from disowning me to forcing me to live at home to sending me to India to attend some sort of religious camp.
2) I might lose people I love — my friends, my family.
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Posted: April 13, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: How Not To Be, how to say no, Mental Health, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, rejection, Relationships | Tags: enforcing the no, no, Relationships, saying no, the art of no, the last word |
Today’s perfect image provided by CA reader Red Sonja! (Definitely read the mouse-over text).
Dear Captain Awkward:
I got a message from a former friend with whom I don’t want any further individual contact, and I wish they hadn’t sent it to me. It should be a hint to somebody if their opening paragraph is “Please don’t worry that this email represents any attempt to re-establish a contact that you clearly do not want, or recreate a relationship that you have ended. I simply want to clear a few things up, hopefully to park things in a somewhat less painful place for you,” that hitting “send” is doing exactly what they’re saying not to worry about. Telling me they’re doing this for my benefit just creeps me out more.
I’ve taken the step of making a message filter so that I won’t see anything else they send me. I just still feel very creeped out and besieged. It’s hard enough navigating an on-line social circle where this person is, and trying to do it gracefully and courteously, without this. (The content of the message is about like you’d figure, after an opening like that. And no, it didn’t “park things in a less painful place for me.” It parked more things right on top of me, and I am not willing to be a parking lot any more.)
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Posted: April 11, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Friendship, how to say no, Manners, Personal Safety, the gift of fear | Tags: Boundaries, impasse, saying no, the art of no, the gift of fear |
Ooh, ooh! Sweet Machine emailed me the perfect image to go with this question.
Dear Captain,
I have an issue concerning an impasse I’m having with a friend. Let me give you some context for said impasse.
This friend of mine is a human I have known for years, we’ll call him Steve. Over that duration, Steve has developed crushes on me a few times and I’ve politely told him that I don’t want a relationship past friendship with him. He’s taken that well but here lies the root of evil: he still has these feelings but speaks as if he does not. He relates me to a sister but is also weirdly flirtatious, so whenever people call him out on it, he claims indignantly “She’s like a sister! I don’t think of her like that!”
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Posted: April 7, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Families, Feminism, Personal Safety | Tags: abuse, Boundaries, evil bees, guest post, magical thinking, Penelope Trunk, piny |
I know, I'll solve this abusive situation by asking myself "What would Newsies do?"
Hello, Captain Awkward here. A long time ago when Lauren posted her series on gaslighting on Feministe, she asked me to write a post about how there’s no magical way to change an abuser’s mind by some combination of using your words and being really plucky and having a lot of gumption.
I do believe that speaking up for yourself, setting and enforcing boundaries, choosing your battles, and learning to negotiate for your own happiness within your relationships can be profoundly transformative and empowering. You CAN often change the dynamics of even very difficult relationships and reduce conflict and tension as long as the other players are acting in good faith.
Abusers, though? They don’t play fair. “You don’t think that you get to leave and find out that you deserve someone better than me, do you? Come back here so I can yell at/hit you more and remind you that no one loves you except me and this is the best your life is ever going to be…GOD, ARE YOU CRYING AGAIN, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING CRYBABY?” isn’t really a situation where “When you say x, I feel y” statements really help you. If you say “I really wish you would stop yelling at and hitting me, please, it makes me feel sad inside and is also ouchy” and the Evil Bees keep circling, it’s maybe time to fold ‘em and walk away (or run!)
So. After months of procrastinating, sadly Penelope “It’s the woman’s job to make the relationship work” Trunk gave us an extremely sad, extremely relevant, extremely cautionary “You can so fix domestic violence if you believe hard enough that you can!” tale. And stalwart commenter Piny came to the rescue with a guest-post.
Take it away, Piny.
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Posted: March 19, 2012 | Author: pfcmarie | Filed under: Abuse, Advice Columns, Families, How Not To Be, Parents, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, saying no, the gift of fear, Uncategorized | Tags: abuse, denial, family, Weddings |
Hello everyone. Captain Awkward here. This post involves some deeply harrowing no-good shit, so we’re putting everything behind a cut.
Also of note: This post, you’ll notice the byline above, is a guest contribution of Marie (of The House is full of EVIL BEES fame), now promoted to Private First Class in the Awkward Army. She lays down some pretty fucking awesome encouragement and support for today’s letter writer.
CA Over and Out. Take it away, PFCMarie.
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Posted: January 13, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Dating, How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Personal Safety, predators, Reader Questions, Relationships, saying no | Tags: breaking up, safety, scared to break up, scary boyfriend |
Edit/Update: The LW contacted me to let me know that she left Jon the Asshole (Yay!) after he (predictably) physically assaulted her (Boo!). She’s doing ok and gives us all her love (which is returned. SO returned). I’m leaving this question up because she’s probably (sadly) not alone in having the question.
Hello Captain,
About a year ago I got into a relationship with this guy for privacy purposes we’ll call Jon. Jon was really great. He lived really far away. We visited back and forth. When he visited me the first time though he was super mean to all my friends and family.
I thought it was because he was far from home. I went to stay with him (where I am now) very, very far from home. For months he’s been nothing but verbally and emotional evil and mean to me. I was begging him to stop. He never did. Recently, about a month ago, I asked again. I was on that tipping point of “falling out of love” he yelled at me for “asking him to stop being mean.”
I became pretty numb to him, and am now. I started letting myself fall for a guy I casually flirt with online. Who lets just face it, would be closer if I went home and has way more in common/to say to me/is way more my type.
My ticket home isn’t for another month. Now that Jon can sense a problem he’s acting all nice and loving. I said a few times I would try and love him because he throws stuff around when I try to break up with him. How do I tell him I don’t want to try anymore? Should I wait til I go home?
And should I pursue something with casual (bordering on serious) flirting friend, if it feels right?
- Really freaking scared
Dear Really Scared,
Aaaaah! This got caught in the spam filter and I could not answer it immediately! Aaaaah! I am so sorry!
First, do you live with Jon? Does he have access to your living space? Can you get to a safe place that he doesn’t have access to? Call one of the hotline numbers from this post (and read all of the comments in that thread, there is tons of practical advice there for getting out of a scary situation) and make sure you are in a safe place as soon as possible.
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Posted: January 9, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Families, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, the gift of fear | Tags: abuse, child abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence abuse, domestic violence resources, emotional abuse |
I really, really need commenters who have experience with domestic violence/abuse counseling to weigh in here, thanks. This Letter Writer needs help from someone who doesn’t have to Google “domestic violence resources” to answer the question.
Captain Awkward,
Hi! I’m a 19 year old college student and I live with my parents. It’s not an ideal situation, but I figure my relationship with them is alright; I’m closer to my mom and I fight a lot with my dad, but they’re not horrible. I know they love me and I love them, yadda yadda. I’m one of the lucky ones, all things considered.
But today my dad hit me. Repeatedly. Not with a closed fist or anything, but he sort of held me by the neck while he smacked my face with his other hand. My mom and sister had to pull him off me. Background: me and my dad will get into huge, screaming fights, but he has never been physically violent. I do not enjoy these screaming matches, to say the least. Lately these arguments have actually been happening less frequently because I’m getting better at knowing when to walk away, but everything just happened so fast this time.
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Posted: January 4, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: How Not To Be, Manners, Mental Health, Personal Safety, Reader Questions | Tags: crazymakers, don't respond, harassment, jealousy, stalking, unreasonable people |
Dear Captain,
As a single woman working in a male dominated field, I do run into some weird situations. But I’ve never been confronted by a jealous wife before.
A year ago I relocated to a city about an hour’s drive from home so that I could be closer to my new job. A few days ago I was in a bad car crash. I survived it unharmed but my car was totalled. As the wreck was being towed, I called a few people, who I knew lived in the neighborhood, asking for a ride. I was very shaken up after the accident and was too scared to take a cab.
The first person to respond was a coworker who is a good work place friend of mine. He was close by and came to give me a ride. He had his two kids with him and they all dropped me off at my place. The next morning he texted to ask me if I needed to get a ride to work. My insurance company was going to give me a rental later that day, and I did need a ride to the office till then. He picked me up from my apt and dropped me at the office and I thanked him and that was it.
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Posted: January 3, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Families, Friendship, how to say no, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, Relationships | Tags: "hey knock it off", Boundaries, enforcing boundaries, friend groups, Geek Social Fallacies, new friends, setting boundaries |
Dear Captain Awkward:
I’m a transman – reasonably attractive, fairly extroverted, early in my transition. I have recently moved to a new city and found a group of people who are both awesome (sharing similar interests and drives) and supportive of my transition. I even started dating a nice young man in this group. Then he called it off. We took time apart. I was distressed, but realised I’d rather have his friendship than nothing because he’s important.
Since then, however, he’s been flirty, possessive (both verbally, when someone else hits on me, and by keeping my things), mis-gendering me publicly, and generally a combination of acting like a jock out of an 80′s movie and like we’re still together. It’s unattractive, unlike him, and causing me a lot of distress. I’ve tried talking to him and it feels like, short of cutting myself out of our shared friends circle, I’m stuck with this. He’s even telling people that we’re still together! I am stuck looking like the asshole who can’t deal and I am at a loss.
At a Total Loss
Dear At A Loss:
I am so sorry this is happening to you, and that it feels like a choice between your own safety and comfort and your new-found friends. You are correct that if he keeps doing this and your other friends won’t check him or back you up, you will have to leave the group. It is heartbreaking and unfair.
A lot of people will jump in and say “DTMFA!” “Get new friends who appreciate you!” and yes, it may come to that, but I won’t insult you by suggesting that’s an easy thing to do especially when you are in a new city. Those of us who live away from our families create families with our friends. Those relationships are primal and very important, and they can change and grow and survive hard times if there is love and a willingness to work at it.
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Posted: December 12, 2011 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Families, how to say no, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, saying no |
Dear Captain Awkward,
I am having trouble with my older sister, Z. She calls me stupid nicknames, pokes me, pinches me, plays with and pulls my hair, and does a lot of other obnoxious stuff just to annoy me and my mother. This was acceptable, or at least understandable, when we were younger – but she’s 23 and I’m 20 now, and this has been going on since we were kids. I understand having some silliness among family and friends, but at the same time I want to be treated like an adult. Z still acting this obnoxious makes me feel like she’s still treating me like a small child or like her plaything.
I’ve tried asking and telling Z calmly to stop. I’ve tried yelling at her when I’ve gotten angry about it. When we were younger, I’d physically hurt her and we’d get into fights about stupid stuff like this, but now that I’m older, I realize that’s a horrible approach. She asks me for a lot of favors and I help her out a lot, so I’ve tried asking her to repay my help by stopping, but that doesn’t work either.
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