Hi Captain

I was wondering if you had suggestions on how to convince parents to let their grown up kid move out. I’m planning to get an interstate job and move out in two years (I’ll be around 22) but feel the need to lay ground work early.

My parents have never:
1) let me go on exchange overseas;
2) let me go to a town an hour’s drive away with my friends for any length of time; or
3) even let me go on sleepovers.

Other info:
4) when I suggested going interstate to do a specific degree only available interstate, my parents went out of their way and eventually succeeded in convincing me not to do that degree, and I overheard dad telling one of his friends that if I did move, they were going to have me live in an apartment with other South Asian girls.
5) when it looked like my sister was going to have to move for university so she could study medicine, mum was going to move with her. Eventually, parents settled on ‘maybe dad will go with her for the first few weeks’. Sister ended up getting into our local uni and so didn’t move. I don’t know how this would’ve panned out.
6) Arranged Marriages are a thing, I’m only ever meant to move out of my parents’ home into my husband’s home, and my parents like to talk about when they have grandchildren.
7) they need to know where I am at all times even now. As a result, I don’t feel like I can go see a counselor even though I think I’m depressed/anxious because my parents are also really disparaging of any sort of mental health issue and I don’t want them to know of mine.

Basically, my parents are helicopters, and also tigers (at one point in high school I was involved in debating, piano, double bass, private speech and drama, my school’s drama club and dance, on top of straight As).

I can follow recipes (and can make cheesecakes), have my own car, have money saved already, work part time, do my laundry, and clean so I don’t think I’ll be a complete failure. Whenever I’ve raised this, I get instantly shut down with ‘but why would you want to work interstate’ and ‘but why would you want to move out – we feed you, buy you things, etc’.

How do I convince them I should/could move out?

Thank you
How Did We Develop Helicopter-Tiger Hybrids?

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Hurricane Joaquin…everybody ok so far? Be okay.


My wife (Carole) and I (Clark) have four children and share our home with a childless couple (John & Priscilla) who I met in college. We’ve done so for roughly two years now with surprisingly little friction.

Recently John talked to me about how he’s come to the realization over the past year that he is polyamorous. The rest of us are not.

John also confessed that he’s had a crush on someone outside the house for a few years and that there are other infidelities over the course of his marriage.

I am having a difficult time discerning if this is actual polyamory (which I am not terribly familiar with) or just rationalization of bad behavior and a desire to have shackles taken off so he can date other women without guilt.

John discussed the possibility of romances (plural his) going forward and not liking the idea of primary/secondary relationship – so in theory these other women would have the same status in his life as Priscilla.

Putting myself in Priscilla’s shoes – this would be hard to swallow. I fear that our happy home is about to be torn and I am hoping for some help with resources / tools I can use to help them both while maintaining healthy boundaries.

(I am not concerned about having random lady friends over with children about – before moving in we all signed a contract that included the right of any one of us to veto someone coming over if for any reason it made us uncomfortable. John will have to get any lady friends approved by his house-mates before they can come over or will have to leave.)

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Ahoy, Captain!

My mother died suddenly earlier this year. She and my father lived in a kinda remote area, 600 miles from my current residence. Pops is now getting ready to maybe think about moving to a zip code that has more humans than cows.
Here’s the problem: Mama and Pops spent most of their 45 years together collecting. We’re talking decorative spoons, commemorative display plates, a pewter powder horn engraved with scenes from the Battle of Valley Forge… Most of it was admired when it arrived and then put away for safekeeping. I have probably laid eyes on only 10% of the tchotchkie iceberg in my lifetime. The majority of the collection is currently tightly packed (Pops loves Tetris) in a 40 foot shipping container parked out back of Pop’s house, the kind more commonly seen on trucks or trains.

Whenever we talk lately he reels off a list of dozens of items, and he starts getting overwhelmed with emotion and memories of Mama. He then demands my siblings and I come and take what we want as soon as possible. I’ve told him the first step is that he has to choose what he wants to hold on to, but he is adamant my siblings and I get first pick because this stuff is ‘valuable’ and they bought it for us to have ‘eventually’. This evening I went on eBay looking for comparable items to the ones I knew were in the shipping container– they have not appreciated in value.

I try to keep collectibles in my own home to functional and useful items since I have a distinct lack of storage, and I have original and commissioned comic art covering most of the walls. Even if I picked out a huge pile of things I wanted, even if I somehow got them 600 miles to my home, I have nowhere to put them.
How do I tell my Pops that I don’t want any of his treasures? Are there scripts? And do you have any suggestions on the best way to support him as he starts downsizing, particularly as I’m so far away?


What Do You Do With An Engraved Pewter Powder Horn

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From the “this can’t really be solved” files and the “I had a few free hours let’s knock some blog posts OUT” files. Hi!

Dear Captain Awkward,

I am having an issue with my boyfriend because he is having trouble deciding who he wants to work on a relationship with, me or his daughters mother.

My boyfriend has a 7 year old daughter her mother is coming back into the picture. She claims she wants to clean up her life from drugs and be back in their life. He told me she was degrading, flakey, cheating, and manipulative towards him. She would make plans to see her daughter and rarely sticks to them because she had been high. She had left my boyfriend and got pregnant, that man went to jail. She went back to my boyfriend and she did this up and back a couple times. Now she doesn’t talk to her sons father and wants to work things out with my boyfriend. He feels loyalty to her because it’s his daughters mother. With us in the begining he moved fast, i met his daughter the first few days of after I met him. He talked futures together and making plans for us, wanting to take our relationship as far as it could go. We have only been together 3 months but we spent much time together, got along great, I grew very fond of his daughter and she likes me. Recent weeks he has become distant from me, less talking, etc. Especially now his daughters mother is becoming more involved recently. He tells me he thinks what he and I have is a good thing. And he really likes me but now he is confused about whether working things out with her and being a “family” for their daughter is the right thing to do. Or if he wants to stay with me and move forward. It’s like he did a complete 180.

I honestly have no clue how to react or respond, I need help on what I should do or think.

Thank you from Baby Momma Drama

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This Baby would like to disrupt all your fun times.

Dear captain awkward and army,

A handful of my friends have become parents this year. Consequently, and as expected, I don’t see them very often any more, and when I do, it’s for brief 30-minute “passing by” visits just to see how they and their rapidly developing Von Neumann machines are doing.

I’d like to invite them to larger gatherings and events, and shape these gatherings so that new parents feel like
a) they can take their kid without feeling like it would be a distraction or burden b) they could genuinely enjoy themselves c) the setting won’t be too chaotic even with multiple adults and kids d) the kids themselves would be comfortable, happy, and safe e) travel wouldn’t be inconvenient.

I live in a major metropolis where apartment space is coveted, so the home setting is limited.

But I’d just like to give my parent friends opportunities to socialize and do really fun things without making any implicit unreasonable demands to inconvenience themselves. Not having kids myself, I’m looking for best practices to provide that.

And to parents in the awkward army, what would something like this look like to you?

-Friend to new families

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Dear Captain,

My parents keep visiting me over the summer and living in my apartment on my couch. One of my parents is looking for a job both in my current state and in the state of my hometown (where she actually officially lives when she is not visiting me). She sometimes has interviews out here and I am her host.

My dad, meanwhile, stayed three weeks at my place over the summer. I repeat: three fucking weeks. I did not need his “help” (his reason for visiting), but I felt bad telling him because I know he is going through a difficult time in his life (unwanted retirement) and wants to feel useful. I know I don’t *have* to satisfy those feelings for him, and I’m in therapy to try to get over this thinking.

I feel like crying. I was (and still am) a “parentified child” (chaotic home, traumatized parents told me about their adult sexual and financial struggles as though I were a healthy confidant) and having to host my parents now in my early 20’s is really triggering the sad feelings of powerlessness and numbness I used to feel. The feeling that I have to care for and baby my parents rather than enjoy being young, being a kid and having a fun place to live *on my own*.

I was saying to my therapist yesterday that I need to balance what my parents want from me as a daughter, to what society thinks a daughter should reasonably do to help her struggling parents. I burst into tears because she said, “Well, and you also have to balance those things with what YOU want.” I hadn’t even considered my own desires in terms of my apartment and my boundaries with them.

Do you have any scripts on re-setting (or rather, setting for the first time) boundaries with my parents? I know that part of the process will probably involve my knowing what I actually WANT for boundaries–but frankly yesterday is the first time I have ever thought about it with such precision.

My mom still doesn’t have a job yet, and I know she is probably going to come back out for more interviews. I have suffered enough of my parents’ rage and regret over finances and lost jobs. I am so tired and fragile right now. I also am terrified of setting boundaries–I don’t know that I believe they can get on without my help. Plus, you know, I love them.

Any help or advice or scripts would be amazing.

–Healing from parentification

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Lady Sybil and Branson the Chauffeur from Downton Abbey

Lady Sybil and Branson the Chauffeur from Downton Abbey

Dear Captain Awkward,

I just read your response to the question of how a person can deal with disapproving parents in the relationship area. It was a very good response. I am now asking as a PARENT what we are to do when our daughter is involved with a person we do not approve of. Our main complaint is his lack of manners, a lack of confidence, and a lack of personal motivation. Our daughter is a beautiful 32 year old professional, and part owner of a successful small business that we, her parents built. Her boyfriend is 36, a nice unmotivated man who seems to us to be looking for an easy deal. They plan to move in together soon. He just doesn’t fit in with our family. We doubt that he could really ever provide for our daughter, and hate to see her waste time waiting for him to kick in. We have been very patient with our daughter in the past, always hoping she would find a strong confident man for a life mate. Should we just say nothing and keep hoping that this fairly new relationship will soon come to a graceful end?

Dear Parent,

It doesn’t sound like this man is mistreating your daughter. It sounds like your main concerns with him are about class, career, and/or economic standing (“doesn’t fit in with our family” “doubt that he could ever really provide for her,” “manners,” “unmotivated,” etc.) It sounds like she provides just fine for herself (and that you, by building a business, have put her in a great position to provide for herself), which leaves her free to seek out other priorities in a partner.

If things aren’t meant to be between them, trust that your daughter will figure that out for herself in time. At thirty-two, she is the sole decider of her love life, and even if she were making a mistake, it’s her mistake to make. I think that trying to separate her from the man she loves will only alienate her from you. So, what do you lose by being kind to him?


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