Question #176: The Perpetual Seething Mass of Resentment
Posted: January 19, 2012 Filed under: Enthusiastic Consent, Manners, Overthinking It, Reader Questions, saying no, Uncategorized | Tags: Boundaries, consent, drawing the line, hulk, speaking up, spirit animal, the pervocracy 45 Comments »
The Hulk is my spirit animal.
We’re going deep into the Jerkbrain today, so let’s start with nice things that I love.
First, a safe-for-work, short animated film, Address Is Approximate. It’s so simple and beautiful, and it punched me right in the heart (in a good way).
Next, Holly’s post about Consent Culture:
A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex–in fact, of human interaction–is centered around mutual consent. It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs.
I don’t want to limit it to sex. A consent culture is one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well. Don’t want to talk to someone? You don’t have to. Don’t want a hug? That’s okay, no hug then. Don’t want to try the fish? That’s fine. (As someone with weird food aversions, I have a special hatred for “just taste a little!”) Don’t want to be tickled or noogied? Then it’s not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.
… I think part of the reason we have trouble drawing the line “it’s not okay to force someone into sexual activity” is that in many ways, forcing people to do things is part of our culture in general. Cut that shit out of your life. If someone doesn’t want to go to a party, try a new food, get up and dance, make small talk at the lunchtable–that’s their right. Stop the “aww c’mon” and “just this once” and the games where you playfully force someone to play along. Accept that no means no–all the time.
…It’s good to practice drawing your own boundaries outside of the bedroom, too. It can be shockingly empowering to say something as small as “no, I don’t want to sit with you.” ”No, you can’t have my phone number.” ”I love hugs, but please ask me first.” It’s good practice for the big stuff. Simply learning to put your mind in the frame of “this person does not want me to say no to them, and they will resist me doing it, but I’m doing it anyway” is a big, important deal.
Go read the whole thing, obviously. She lays out a beautiful case that boundaries make life better and sex better, and that there are a lot of small things we can do to make the world better for each other. She also sets us up beautifully for today’s question.
El Capitan!
I hope perhaps you might have some advice — or the crowd might — on how to stop being obnoxious. See, I’m pretty laid-back up until someone does something crummy to me. For instance! Once a dude forgot about a date with me, and when he remembered, went snowboarding anyway. Objectively douchey, but that’s not the problem — the problem is that once someone does a thing like that I WILL NEVER FORGET. I will obsess over it, picking at what happened like it’s a scab. I will quite likely resent them and want them to suffer, up till I forget who they are. Which does happen — bad memory — but takes too long to achieve. Leaving scorched earth behind doesn’t work that well in a smaller community as I’m likely going to have to interact with these people in the future. Or at least I’d like to interact, in a nice blasé way, and with none of the perpetual RAWWWWWWWWWWWWR that goes on in my head (and sometimes escapes my lips). It’s embarrassing to feel so strongly about stupid things from the past. I don’t want to lose the Dignity Game. Also, it’s tiring to keep the perpetual motion hamster wheel of resentment going in my head. It takes up so much space in there, which could be better used by remembering fun sex or something.
So! The question is: How the hell do I stop my brain from going over this stuff? How do I turn it off, or retrain myself? I’d like to keep my feathers unruffled, and stop embarrassing myself.
Yours sincerely,
Shut Up, Brain
Guest post! “I would like to be GGG for my new chap, but we’re taking it reallllllllllly slow.” (Question #105)
Posted: August 31, 2011 Filed under: Captain Awkward's Dating Guide for Geeks, Dating, Enthusiastic Consent, Reader Questions, Relationships, Sex | Tags: kink, negotiating, new relationship sex, talking about sex, the pervocracy 18 Comments »
With great kink comes great responsibility: Use your words!
I’m still posting at Feministe this week, most recently about how The Interrupters allowed me to finally process and write about some of the violent incidents I witnessed in my old neighborhood. The filmmaker is a personal hero of mine, so when he stopped by to comment I had a little geek-out involving many exclamation points.
Today we have a guest-post from Holly at The Pervocracy. She writes great stuff like How Not To Be Creepy and a monthly Cosmocking series and this pretty amazing breakdown of Why Does She Stay With That Jerk? from the perspective of someone who patches up domestic violence victims in the ER, and also sometimes about kinky kinky sex.
Hi Captain!
I have a problem. It’s a problem that might just work itself out in time but, being an incredibly impatient person, I’m worrying at it like a dog with a sock.
Reader question #92: I get sucked into conversations with men that I don’t want to talk to, and then give them fake numbers. How do I stop?
Posted: August 13, 2011 Filed under: Dating, Enthusiastic Consent, Feminism, how to say no, Manners, Reader Questions, rejection, saying no, Social Interactions 20 Comments »
Dawn Weiner: Emotional Bottom
Hi Captain Awkward,
I have a slightly ludicrous ongoing awkward situation (more like an awkward dynamic) that I can’t seem to break free of. Here’s the thing: I’m 23, female, done with college, self-employed, I live by myself and go out a lot by myself because I enjoy it, and because all my really close friends live in other cities. The problem is that guys seem to see my solitary excursions as an open invitation to approach me. It’s not that I’m uninterested in dating someone, but somehow when I’m approached by guys in public my instinct is always “AVOID! ESCAPE!” even if they seem quite nice and aren’t creepy–I don’t really know why, something about being put on the spot, I guess, or a sort of feeling of preemptive sexual/romantic pressure since I feel like they are usually approaching me because they are interested in me sexually, not just as friends. I usually don’t feel this way when getting to know girls (even though I also date girls, and would slightly prefer a relationship with a woman), but they are also less likely to just approach out of the blue.
I am actually a really awkward and insecure person, but I’ve kind of compensated for it by becoming really charming and accommodating, so people always get the impression that I am super nice and absolutely enthralled with them when really all I want is to get away. You can probably see where this is going. Guy approaches me in public, I don’t like him or want to continue the interaction, but somehow I feel compelled to keep being nice, laughing at his jokes, accepting his invitation for coffee, giving him my phone number…pretty much as far as he pushes it, I go along with it. I can sometimes set boundaries, if the situation is extreme enough, but I am really bad at gracefully ending social interactions that are not blatantly harmful or creepy. I frequently give out fake phone numbers even when the guy is not being particularly pressure-y or persistent. I know this is a jerk move, but I really cannot seem to just say no. I try, and then the moment comes and I just find myself unable to do it.
Blanket Statement Monday: Is your relationship being ruined by a) your partner’s sexual history b) your partner’s porn stash c) your crushing insecurities?
Posted: April 11, 2011 Filed under: Captain Awkward's Dating Guide for Geeks, Enthusiastic Consent, Overthinking It, Relationships, Sex | Tags: crushing insecurity, Dating, inexperience, insecurity, porn, Sex, sexual relationships 30 Comments »
"Barbie, I can't lie - I've been thinking about G.I. Joe this whole time."
I have a few letters in the Captain Awkward Mailbag that go like this:
My partner and I are in love and have a great sex life and (s)he tells me all the time how much (s)he loves being with me, however (s)he dated sexy people before me and I have less experience and I’m worried that (s)he is comparing me to past partners and I don’t measure up. What do I do?
And like this:
My partner and I are in love and have a great sex life, and (s)he tells me all the time how much (s)he loves being with me, however, I found a giant hoard of porn on my partner’s computer and all the people did not look like me and they definitely did not do things that I do in bed and now I’m worried that (s)he really wants to be doing that stuff and our entire relationship is a lie…oh god…what do I do?
Listen up. It’s rare that one-size-fits-all advice exists in this world, but this is a situation where it really, really, really works. Here’s what you do:
Get the fuck over it and keep enjoying your relationship.
For Group A (My Partner Has A Sexual History, Oh No!): Your partner’s past partners and comparisons to them will not damage the relationship, unless you become an insecure control freak who constantly brings it up and checks in and makes your partner feel weird and guilty for having sex before (s)he met you and looking for ways you are not measuring up. If your partner learned about things (s)he liked in bed from another partner and sees fit to share that with you in a constructive and instructive way, like “Hey, it would really turn me on if you would….” that is NOT negative criticism of you, that is called BEING AWESOME IN BED BY SAYING WHAT YOU LIKE.
For Group B (I Am Threatened By Porn!): Porn exists. I’m not going to say every single person on the planet looks at it, or even every single person with a reliable internet connection, but lots of people look at it, okay? And lots of people look at weird shit that they don’t actually want to do in real life because the imagination is a dark and sexy magical place where crazy shit is allowed to happen. And lots of people look at porn that has people with different body types than they’d “normally” go for or kinks….because sometimes it is exciting to look at a variety of things. And yeah, some of it is gross and exploitive and sometimes the people are so waxed and oiled and fake that it looks like when you were a kid and mashed Barbie and Ken’s (or Barbie’s, or in my case, Godzilla’s) “areas” together….so…okay….what is the problem? Your partner has an active interest in sex and a filthy imagination? This is less a problem than an opportunity.
If your partner is neglecting you to look at porn, that is a problem. If your partner is constantly bringing up exes and comparing you to them, that is a problem (because your partner might be an asshole, in which case, break up!).
If you have an otherwise healthy, happy sex life and your partner also looks at porn, there is no problem. If you have an otherwise healthy, happy sex life with someone who has had sex with other people before you, there is no problem. If you are not so experienced at sex, there is also no problem, because listen: Everyone starts out inexperienced, and the way you get more experience is to do it with a person you like and who likes you. NOT ACTUALLY A PROBLEM.
Except the problems manufactured by your own insecurities. And your lovers and sex partners are not required to magically anticipate and heal and make up for all of your insecurities. Saying to someone “You need to be different, as in have a different past (or pretend you do), or stop looking at porn you like (or pretend you have stopped looking at it) in order to make me stop feeling so sad and insecure” is manipulative and controlling and makes you the person in the wrong. It’s actually your job to handle that shit so that you can be in a healthy relationship.
Listen, the more you see sex as something that you “get” and “perform,” the more weird and insecure your sex life will be, because you’ve made it about yourself and not about making another person feel great and letting them make you feel great in return. Your job during sex is to try things out, ask questions, observe responses and reactions, be honest about your desires and needs (no faking orgasms!), responsible about your health and your partner’s health, and make sure everyone is having a great time and wants to be there every step of the way. Other than that, there is no formula.
More getting the fuck over yourself and more fucking, please. Thank you. This has been an episode of Blanket Statement Monday.
The art of “no.”
Posted: March 23, 2011 Filed under: Captain Awkward's Dating Guide for Geeks, Dating, Enthusiastic Consent, Relationships, Sex | Tags: Dating, dating advice, how to handle rejection, Sexy Typewriter, the best way to reject 67 Comments »
Over at SexyTypewriter, there is a discussion about the best way to tell someone that you don’t want a second date. “See you soon” is probably not that way. “I could stop thinking about you” has the advantage of being honest, and the writer describes that awkward end-of-date feeling of “oh god…so many expectations and ways this could go wrong….oh god.”
I’ve done a lot of internet dating, and early on I was very optimistic about people. I looked for the good in everyone, I thought of ways to make things work, I talked myself into being attracted (hey, why not?), and I enjoyed the act of meeting new people for its own sake. Most people were not The Man Who Would Not Break Eye Contact or Gropey McTicklefight, most people were just disheveled nerds like me, and while I didn’t make many lasting connections I did have a lot of fun nights out of the house and discovered a lot of cool pockets of Chicago when I was new in town.
While I was very willing to go on first dates and meet people, I was pretty picky about who I spent further time with. I’m an introvert at heart and while I love friends and a good time and conversation sometimes often I find myself asking the question “Will this be a better time than screenwriting/finishing this novel I’m reading/playing CIV/being in a completely silent room full of silence?”
I also had numbers and our sexist dating culture going for me. I was a woman with a nice smile and huge…tracts of land… and an ability to be entertaining and keep a conversation going, so I just had to sit and look pretty and wait for people to write to me and then accept or reject them. I didn’t have to work at finding people to date, they came to me. So there was an unbalance in some of those interactions from the start – I might think “Hey, this guy seems nice and I’m free tonight, why not?” while the guy might be overjoyed at finally getting a response after weeks of getting no response and think “She must really like me to write back at all, this is so on!”
What I’m saying is that there were a lot of perfectly fine first dates that did not lead to a second date. At 25, did I handle this in a straightforward, cool, honest, mannerly way? No.
Rape: Awkward.
Posted: February 21, 2011 Filed under: Abuse, Dating, Enthusiastic Consent, Feminism, How Not To Be, Sex | Tags: Enthusiastic Consent, rape, victim-blaming 29 Comments »
Racist AND Sexist. Gross.
You guys, sorry to go all serious and unfunny on you, but I am incredibly creeped out at the news reports of what happened to the CBS News reporter* and her crew in Egypt, especially the ones that need to mention that she was an “attractive blonde” so that you can really, really picture it. Gross. Unfortunately, as you an see from our handy visual aid, the “Swarthy Foreigners Are Defiling Our Women” meme is nothing new.
If you’ve got a strong stomach and a nice padded place for when you give up on humanity and start banging your head against the walls, Manboobz has the scoop here and here.
This incident, plus the semesterly reading of Freshman creative writing where I have to explain that “Hey, the part of your story where your female character said she didn’t want to have sex and then the male character got her really, really drunk and had sex with her anyway? Yeah, I think that your character just raped that lady,” told me that it was a time for a little bit of schooling around this extremely awkward topic.
Here’s what happens when you get raped:
1. A person or people carry out a serious invasion of your personal space.
2. You risk a whole bunch of shitty complications afterwards, including but not limited to: STDs, pregnancy (which you might be forced to carry to term thanks to religious zealots), physical pain and emotional trauma, bad dreams, flashbacks, plus every asshat in the world second-guessing everything you’ve ever done in your life in an effort to explain what you did that led to you getting attacked, possibly for the rest of your life.
Here’s how you got raped:
1. You went about your life and used your liberty to pursue happiness.
2. You encountered a rapist who decided to rape you.
Period.
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