#242: Can I Tell Guys I Don’t Want to Date Them Before They Ask Me to Date Them?

Posted: May 8, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Captain Awkward's Dating Guide for Geeks, Dating, Friendship, how to say no, manipulation, Manners, Overthinking It, Reader Questions, rejection, Relationships, saying no | Tags: , , , , , | 46 Comments »

“Casual lean, engaged! Precision eyebrow raise, activate! Look over here, over here, OVER HE-” Oh, hi I didn’t see you there.

Dear Capt. Awkward,

So, I’m a 25 year old lady. Like a lot of your readers (I think?) I’ve never really had a lot of dating success, and definitely have never had a boyfriend. This sometimes makes me feel a little sad, but I’ve never really gone out there in pursuit of a boyfriend, and in general don’t have a lot of guy friends/acquaintances as a dating pool, so most of the time I don’t worry about it too much. I relate it only because it’s sort of relevant, I guess? My problem, though, is actually from a different quarter. It’s happened repeatedly, and it’s stressful. What happens is that some guy I know a little bit will start acting weird around me. Read the rest of this entry »

#209: My mom is pressuring me to invite my molester to my wedding, and it sucks BIG TIME.

Posted: March 19, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Abuse, Advice Columns, Families, How Not To Be, Parents, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, saying no, the gift of fear, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 125 Comments »

Hello everyone. Captain Awkward here. This post involves some deeply harrowing no-good shit, so we’re putting everything behind a cut.

Also of note: This post, you’ll notice the byline above, is a guest contribution of Marie (of The House is full of EVIL BEES fame), now promoted to Private First Class in the Awkward Army. She lays down some pretty fucking awesome encouragement and support for today’s letter writer.

CA Over and Out. Take it away, PFCMarie.

Read the rest of this entry »

Rich is back!

Posted: May 23, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Dating, How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Manners, predators, rejection, Social Interactions | Tags: , , , , , | 20 Comments »

And he’s still a dipshit. When last we saw our hero, he was comparing confident women who are hard to control  to “dirty snow.”  On the subject of rejecting strangers who want your number in bars, he says this:

The best way for a girl to avoid that awkward first date is to not give her number out in the first place. As a guy, I know the ins and outs of the phone number game. If a cute girl is giving me any sign of hope, I’m going to try for those digits. I never assume she’s just having fun meeting people — I always think she’s out to find a date like I am.

Okay, Rich, you’re right, it would be good if women didn’t give their numbers to men they aren’t really interested in, but even if they do give the number out, there are still ways to avoid awkward first dates, like saying “No thanks” when the person asks you on a date.   Also, the whole thing where you assume that women are all trying to find dates just like you are? That’s an example of a bad initial assumption that jeopardizes the integrity of the entire experiment.  But…okay. Imagine you get the number, or, the my-number-is-111-111-1111-now-can-I-go-back-to-talking-with-my-friends number. Is this really what you do?

The common move among guys (I’m guilty of this one too), after getting a girl’s number, is calling her phone to confirm that that it’s real and that his number is now registered in her phone. Most guys will watch the girl’s phone as they call it to make sure there’s no funny business going on.

“Hi, it’s me, the guy from the bar, just checking to see if you’re a big lying liarpants who is rejecting me while we’re both here so I can go back to pressuring you!“  I’m trying to think of how I would react to having someone call me immediately to check if the number I gave them is a real one.  I’m thinking:  Not well. “Hey, thanks for instantly making me regret giving you my phone number.  Now kindly fuck off and go fuck yourself, in whatever order is most convenient to you.”

Now, to be fair, Rich does eventually get around to saying “Or, you could just tell them no, you don’t want to give out your number,” which risks hurting their fee-fees, but ultimately earns their respect. But not before these self-serving gems about giving the cold shoulder treatment and avoiding dark corners:


If you don’t ask questions, avoid eye contact, and maintain the general appearance of someone who is trying to escape, even the most confident guy will probably give up hope.…Getting trapped anywhere private with the dude you’re trying to avoid will encourage him to try to get your number. He’ll read it as you wanting to be alone with him,even though it’s accidental.

You know what?  I am capable of giving the Coldest Shoulder in Recorded History and I really do my best not to get trapped in dark corners by pushy dudes I’m not interested in.   But it would also be really, really cool if dudes didn’t separate women from their friends, “trap” them in dark corners, and then assume that they want to be alone with you, like “Now that we’re all trapped in this Dark Corner together, I will just assume that you’re into whatever comes next!”  Also, if you’re getting the cold shoulder treatment, give up hope sooner rather than later.  Immediately would be good.
He ends with the most hilarious and surreal piece of advice of all. You should invent a phantom boyfriend.

While most dudes want proof that your phone number is real, they probably won’t need proof that a boyfriend is real. They may try to make you feel stupid by saying they wanted your number “as a friend,” but they’ll back off.

Translation:  While most dudes will not take no for an answer about getting your phone number, and will immediately act like controlling assholes by checking to make sure it’s a real number, they will (sort of) accept that your pussy might already be owned by other some man and (sort of) back off.  Your feelings and opinions are not important, but the thought that they might accidentally be approaching some other man’s property?  Faux pas!

Well played, if self-serving sexist bullshit is your thing.

Graduation Day

Posted: May 12, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Essays | Tags: | 8 Comments »

My friends and former students are graduating!  Many of you are probably graduating!

Dear Sugar made a graduation speech, and ladies and gentleman, if that woman decided to start a church I would try to go to that church.

When I graduated from college, my graduation speaker was Richard Holbrooke and he patiently explained to us that sometimes you had to start wars in order to have peace and I think that after we’ve been in Iraq and Afghanistan for most of the last decade and we keep repeating our mistakes over and over again that that might be bullshit?  Like, a lie so big that people swallow it because they think “Well, no one would lie about something that big.”  To be honest, I kind of tuned him out.  There was a lot going on that day, with my family, who were proud of me, but the way that my family shows they’re proud of you is by reminding you of all the ways you should have done better.  They do this  by asking you questions like why did some of my friends have words like cum laude after their names and I did not?  These questions sort of sound like actual questions, and they stand there staring at you and waiting for you to say something, but once you try to open your mouth you realize that they are rhetorical.  Anything you could say would only sound like an excuse, and we don’t accept excuses in this family, so maybe you should go and think about what you did wrong and feel shitty for wasting the opportunities that we worked so hard to give you unlike these other kids who obviously understood the value of an education.

So yeah, there was my family, and saying goodbye to people, including a very sexy and unexpected new boyfriend, and moving out of my dorm into a sublet that we did not realize right away had a hydroponic marijuana farm in the basement, and the D.C. heat, and the day itself pretty much sucked.

I like Dear Sugar’s speech a lot better.  Because of this:

You have to do what you have to do. You can’t go to law school if you don’t have any interest in being a lawyer. You can’t take a class if taking a class feels like it’s going to kill you. Faking it never works. If you don’t believe me, read Richard Wright. Read Charlotte Brontë. Read Joy Harjo. Read William Trevor. Read the entire Western canon. Or just close your eyes and remember everything you already know. Let whatever mysterious starlight that guided you this far, guide you onward into whatever crazy beauty awaits. Trust that all you learned during your college years was worth learning, no matter what answer you have or do not have about what use it is. Know that all those stories and poems and plays and novels are a part of you now and that they are bigger than you and they will always be….

You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts.

You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth.

But that’s all.

I have more to write about this – I could give new grads and current students lots of practical advice about jobs vs. careers and maybe I will – but this is important.  Stories are important. Love is important.  The friendships you made are important.  The time you spent figuring out sex and your own alcohol tolerance is important. The time you figured out there was no way you could do all the work you had in front of you well, so you threw yourself into the stuff that truly interested you and halfassed the rest…that’s really important.

Congratulations, graduates.

Dude, you are so fucked.

Posted: April 14, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Families, Quotes | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

I cannot look. It is too awkward.

Sometimes the only answer an advice columnist can give is “Dude, you are so fucked.”  Check out Dan Savage’s Letter of the Day from yesterday.  Amazing.

Also, it’s National Poetry Month!  Here is Maggie Estep’s great poem, “I am an emotional idiot.”

Emotional Idiot
by Maggie Estep

I’m an Emotional Idiot

so get away from me.
I mean,
COME HERE.Wait, no,
that’s too close,
give me some space
it’s a big country,
there’s plenty of room,
don’t sit so close to me.Hey, where are you?
I haven’t seen you in days.
Whadya, having an affair?
Who is she?
Come on,
aren’t I enough for you?

God,
You’re so cold.
I never know what you’re thinking.
You’re not very affectionate.

I mean,
you’re clinging to me,
DON’T TOUCH ME,
what am I, your fucking cat?
Don’t rub me like that.

Don’t you have anything better to do
than sit there fawning over me?

Don’t you have any interests?
Hobbies?
Sailing Fly fishing
Archeology?

There’s an archeology expedition leaving tomorrow
why don’t you go?
I’ll loan you the money,
my money is your money.
my life is your life
my soul is yours
without you I’m nothing.

Move in with me
we’ll get a studio apartment together, save on rent,
well, wait, I mean, a one bedroom,
so we don’t get in each other’s hair or anything
or, well,
maybe a two bedroom
I’ll have my own bedroom,
it’s nothing personal
I just need to be alone sometimes,
you do understand,
don’t you?

Hey, why are you acting distant?

Where you goin’,
was it something I said?
What
What did I do?

I’m an emotional idiot
so get away from me
I mean,
MARRY ME.

Dear Abby: Elope so that your in-laws won’t dress like hookers to “ruin” your wedding. Captain Awkward: Learn the fine art of not giving a damn.

Posted: March 17, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Lady Catherine de Bourgh: President of the Society of Literary Characters Who Don't Get Invited To Your Wedding

Dear Abby is a classic for a reason, right?  Soothing.  Non-confrontational.  Midwestern common sense. Often terrible and does not get at any of the actual issues going on between actual people.

For instance:

DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your future in-laws tell other relatives that they intend to ruin your upcoming wedding? They are upset because they were not included in the wedding party. My future mother-in-law let it be known she’s dressing up like a hooker!

I have family members who are police officers coming to the wedding. The only idea I can come up with to prevent it is to ask them to guard the door of the church, and if need be, escort these unruly people out before they can raise a ruckus.

As you might have gathered, my fiance’s parents don’t want me to marry their son.

On the Verge

Abby’s Answer:

DEAR ON THE VERGE: Take a deep breath and talk to your fiance about eloping. Once your in-laws accept the fact that the knot has already been tied, you can host a lovely reception. When the time comes, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’ll behave themselves. Use the police only as a last resort, but if it comes to that, cross your fingers and hope your mother-in-law solicits one of them.

HA!  THAT WILL SHOW THEM!

I think we’ve covered that my expertise on weddings consists of “I’ve been to some,”  but they are the bread and butter of advice columnists. In a perfect world, a wedding is a fun party where two people who love each other very much agree to do that permanently.  In the world we live in, I’ve seen legislation being written, sausage being made, and weddings being planned, and I’m going to say that the sausage is the only one I’d want to watch up close again.  Legislation and weddings have the whole “expensive!” and “bringing together people who don’t agree on anything who must now pretend they like each other for the sake of the bigger picture” thing in common.  The potential for awkwardness in both cases  is unlimited, and if you come out the other end with the thing you wanted (a good law, a fun party where people celebrate love) at least some of it happens in spite of the process.

There is so much wrong with both this question and this answer. Let’s start with Abby.  “Use the police only as a last resort, but if it comes to that, cross your fingers and hope your mother-in-law solicits one of them.”  Hilarious!  Is it tongue-in-cheek?  It’s Dear Abby, so I can’t tell.

On The Verge, I’m sure your fiance’s family does not like you and I’m sure they are just as mean and crazy as you say they are.  However, I am also sure that the answer to this problem is NOT to have police bar invited guests from your wedding ceremony, and when you talk like that you come across as the crazy person. How far would you go to defend Your Special Day?  Arrests?  Handcuffs?  Restraining orders?  Tear gas?

Read the rest of this entry »

Blog Crush: Dear Sugar

Posted: February 22, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns | Tags: , | 8 Comments »

If you like advice columns (and I think you do) and seriously badass honest writing (and I think you do), you might want to read Dear Sugar.

My favorite recent thing she’s done is this letter to her younger self:

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

…There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness

….One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.

…Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.

…You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

…The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

Damn.  Her writing reminds me of one of my favorite poems, that was a manifesto for a long time:

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Prudence + Bygones + Fun with Stats

Posted: February 15, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Friendship | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

I don’t mean to pick on Dear Prudence so much. She’s generally a pretty great writer, good at being terse (I’m working on it) but colorful, and has an awesome eye for choosing questions to answer.   It’s honestly a combination of “I am out of questions right now, send me your questions!” and “honest disagreement.”  (Seriously, I am out of questions.  Send me questions!)

This week, about halfway down the page, she counsels a woman whose best friend hooked up with her husband.  The letter writer lost both the friend and the husband, and while she doesn’t miss the husband, she’s missing her friend and doing a little Facebook stalking and thinking about old times. Prudence rightly points out that husband-stealing and then blaming the letter writer for it (“This wouldn’t have happened if you’d been taking better care of him”) is crappy, but she counsels the woman to cut her old friend out of her life completely.

I say:  “Bygones.”

If you miss your friend and share all that history, write her a note or call her up.  Maybe with all this time and distance you’ll see her in a different light – maybe she was never your friend and was competing with you all the time and the husband-theft was the final act in a long sad play, and you are right to let her go.  Or maybe she really was your friend and is your friend, and husbands can’t be stolen if they don’t really want to be stolen, and people make mistakes.  If you are really missing her, what do you lose by calling her up and talking it through?  Life is too short to have people who aren’t really your friends in your life, but it is also too short to never forgive or move on or change.

In other news, here are search terms that people use to find CaptainAwkward.com:

  • Captain Awkward, Captain Awkward Blog (duh)
  • Broken Friendship
  • Awkward Valentine’s Gifts
  • “I got a pee on her Scott Pilgrim”
  • Awkward every time you see a person
  • Happy Darth Vader
  • Very-Expensive-Therapy
  • Midwest Manners
  • Mr. Darcy is shy
  • Dating mad lib
  • My friend is dating someone I don’t like
  • How do I say I am annoyed in a good manner
  • Feminist advice columns
  • How do I tell my parents I’ve been dating someone for 3 years (Write to me, searcher!  Write to me!)
  • I want all boyfriend’s attention and do not like sharing
  • Why do some people stand so close
  • How to ask boss for time off
  • Family judgmental
  • Oxygen tanks at concerts
  • My boner

I hope everyone found what they were looking for.

In other stats news, 396 of you read The Golden Retriever/Kwisatz Haderach of Love post.  Within that article 304 of you clicked on the post about being slutty, but only 5 of you clicked on Derek Walcott’s poem Love After Love.

I hope everyone found what they were looking for.

Today’s Dear Prudence: Your judgmental family needs to eat a bag of dicks.

Posted: February 4, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Families, How Not To Be, Intern Paul | Tags: , , | 1 Comment »

Intern Paul has some words for the second letter writer in today’s Dear Prudence, aka, the girl who went through a slutty phase and has now been basically kicked out of her super-Christian family because her judgmental controlling turd of a brother snooped in her email and told everyone about her wicked ways.

First, here are my words for the brother: Way to shine the light of Christ’s forgiveness, fucko. Truly you are an example to us all. Did you go through all of the private communications of everyone in your wedding party to make sure that no human frailty would mar Your Special Day? I mean, that’s just due diligence on your part, right? You wouldn’t want anyone who has ever committed a sin to put on formal wear and stand near you on such an important milestone in human history.

You know who else thinks that the sexual behavior of their female relatives is their business? The Taliban. Yeah, awesome. I guess we should be grateful that you didn’t feel the need to stone your sister to death or burn away her face with acid.

I’ll let Intern Paul take it from here.

Dear Penitent Whore (and it fucking pains me that you called yourself that):

Your brother is an asshole shitbag, and you need to contemplate cutting him out of your life completely. Seriously. I’m not going to comment about the supposed “wickedness” of your previous behavior (about 100% of the population has engaged in at least 2 of those 3 things), but I will take your word for it that it was getting to be too much. And do you know why I will take your word for it? Because it was YOUR LIFE and the only person that was being potentially hurt by your behavior was yourself, so you are the best person to judge what was going on. Not your shitty brother, not his shitty wife, not your shit-enabling parents. Your brother doesn’t care about you one bit, if he did would he still be shaming you for your previous behavior at every turn? Is that a good way of dealing with somebody overcoming addiction issues? To constantly remind that person of how “repugnant” they are? All your brother cares about is showing off how “Godly” and how “better” than everyone else he can be (I am reminded of the lyrics to “No Earthly Good“). I am even tempted to think that he relishes the thought of you “falling” again because it would be a big boost for how he views himself.

I am not a Christian, and I think that the Captain is right that your brother’s investment in your sexual history is some scary, reactionary, Taliban-level bullshit. But I’m going to make this argument to you from a Biblical place because that is where your worldview is coming from. If I really had my druthers I would ask you to just tell your brother to fuck off and go back to the drinking and sex if it made you happy. Hell, it always works for me.

But no, even the Bible condemns his behavior. Prudence hit the big one with Matthew 7:5, but there are others. Proverbs 16:28 – “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” Ephesians 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Philippians 2:3 -”Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Would your brother say that Mary Magdalene (the original penitent whore) wasn’t good enough to consort with Jesus? Or to be the first to witness His resurrection?

I realize that cutting your family off is much easier said than done. Clearly your parents have been no help (as I said: shitty). I would ask if your pastor has any thoughts, but given that your family is probably all in the same church I doubt he would be very supportive. So here’s what you do: 1. Get therapy (preferably of the nice non-judgy secular kind) to help you with the guilt and self-esteem issues stemming from how your family has shamed you. 2. Issue them an ultimatum: Either your brother apologizes and the shit stops or you are done with them. After all, “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw away.” Causing you to hate yourself over how God has made you sure sounds like a fucking sin to me. Given the way they feel the need to police your behavior in order serve their own warped esteem issues, you’re probably going to need to invest in some African violets. This will be hard, and it will be painful, but with the support of a good therapist and good friends (please tell me there are some who haven’t bought into your family’s bullshit) you can do it. Your life will be better for it.

Intern Paul

Reader Questions #8, #9, #10, and #11: Short Answer Friday

Posted: January 21, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Advice Columns, Reader Questions, Short Answer Friday, Social Interactions, Work | Tags: , , , , | 6 Comments »
Mad Men Ladies

"Whenever I go into my boss's office, he sucks me further into his gross emotional problems. Should I be concerned?"

Intern Paul challenged me to write some shorter pieces. I agree that it was getting a bit Cary Tennis up in here, but with 100% fewer references to Burning Man so I’m still feeling ok about it.  Let’s dance.

Dear Captain Awkward:

Why African Violets?

-Just Curious

Dear Just Curious:

African Violets are lovely, but I keep killing them. So for me they symbolize something high maintenance that will soon die despite my best intentions. 

Feel free to give people you don’t like the plant of your choice.

Dear Captain Awkward:

Should I call off my wedding? I am having panic attacks. It’s in two weeks.

Runaway (Maybe) Bride

Probably?  No, it’s just cold feet? Here’s what I know about getting married:  I’ve been to some weddings?  Here’s what I know about being married: Jack shit.

Read the rest of this entry »

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