Hello! I took a few days off to work at my real job and go to the movies and read books and hang out with my boyfriend. It was awesome and I will be doing more of that + shooting a short film in August.
Old business: If you donated to the pledge drive via the Dwolla link, I don’t have your email address. So email me and I’ll send you the link to the movie. Also, a few of the PayPal donors had email addresses that bounced back (or I may have missed you), so if you are missing the movie let me know and I will fix that ASAP.
Attention: The Foster Kitten Cam has new kitties.
Also, this is a very sad letter. I am putting it behind a cut. And I want to say something very clearly first:
This blogger is officially, unilaterally, and forever pro-choice. I believe the decision to terminate a pregnancy is morally neutral and should be private, legal & safe. I trust that anyone undertaking that decision has their own reasons that are better than anything I or any outside party could come up with. I will be moderating comments here accordingly. You can disagree with me…privately in your heart. Or on other websites. All anti-choice lobbying & debate will be deleted without warning. Repeat offenders will be banned without warning. This was your warning. If this is a hot-button issue for you and you don’t think you’ll be able to resist internet-fighting what you see as the Good Fight for Tiny Innocent Babies, maybe don’t click further. You will not change my mind, and this is not the place to try out your Ethics 101 arguments. The Letter Writer and I are not interested in your jibber-jabber.
Dear Captain Awkward:
If this is rambling/crazy talk I’m sorry, I’ll do my best to be concise. Basically this is a bad breakup, he ended it via text while he was in NY for an interview and I was in SC for my cousins bachelorette party. I was on my way home to pick him up from the airport and he texted me that it was over and to be out of the apartment. Because of the way he ended it (two days prior to ending it he had asked me to be sure to bring some dvds home so we could watch them together and had been very excited about being my date to my cousins wedding, it was shocking how fast it turned around) I feel like its my fault, like I’m awful or crazy or horrible since he refused to see me or talk on the phone with me. Granted, I had been acting up because he was being distant while he was in NY and I was having a hard time at the bachelorette weekend because of other issues (discussed below.) PS there are tons of issues (abortion, ADHD, previous suicide attempts, PTSD-ish stuff dealing with a rape in high school, on top of being dumped via text out of the blue when last time I had checked the plan was for us to move together when our lease ended in the beginning of August.
I terminated a pregnancy recently. My partner was very much in favor of terminating the pregnancy and took very good care of me after the procedure. Truth be told I was very hurt that he didn’t want the child and felt very pressured into the abortion decision. Looking back it was clearly for the best and I am pro-choice and not religious so it’s not like I think it was wrong to have the pregnancy terminated; it was just a difficult decision to make. I became very depressed when I found out I was pregnant, my partner was aware that I have always struggled with depression and anxiety resulting from low self esteem and undiagnosed ADHD (2 very impulsive suicide attempts in the last five years have resulted in 2 trips to the ER and one involuntary stay in a mental health institution.) We fought a lot right before the procedure (the day it was scheduled, after I had told him that I felt pressured by him and I felt that he was very insensitive about my feelings about the baby/fetus, and after I’d told him that it was best to terminate the pregnancy he decided to beg me to keep it. Later he said he only asked me to keep it because he thought I’d leave him if he made me go through with the abortion.) It was a very tumultuous two weeks (the recovery time recommended by the clinic) and I have been very distressed but I thought we were actually becoming more intimate and stronger as a couple. Two weeks after the procedure (monday) he terminated our relationship via text message out of the blue and informed me I needed to vacate our shared apartment or he would tell the police I was an intruder.I am having a very hard time coping with this, I am limited because I am unemployed and do not currently have insurance. I do not know where to go and feel very alone and helpless.
Honestly I’m blindsided; I’ve never been through such a bad breakup. I’m so mad at myself because I was very hesitant about moving in with him before there was a commitment, but he convinced me that he loved me and as soon as he finished his degree and got to a good place with his college loans that he’d propose. I really thought he loved me, and I really thought I’d found the one (latino, but raised by a single mom here in the states so not a machista, phd student in poli sci that focused on political violence, loved the fact that I like Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica (basically into all the weird, nerdy-ass shit I’m into which isn’t that easy to find.)
The truth is I am just so devastated I feel like I can’t even move. It’s very hard not to blame myself or think this is somehow my fault for him giving up on me. The truth is this was his decision and he clearly isn’t mature enough to handle a relationship given how he broke up with me. The worst part is that despite how much of an asshole he is I keep thinking about him and wondering how he’s doing, how his grandma is (she was in the hospital). I don’t know what to do. I’m home with my family and trying to figure out the next step. But I just feel like I suck so much, I mean I still haven’t finished the Master’s because I can’t seem to finish my thesis even though I’m SO SO SO close, and I quit my job because he had said that he wanted me to move with him wherever he got a job in August when our lease ended, I don’t have any friends here because I’ve only ever been here during school breaks, my parents are great but I feel bad because I just sit around the house, and randomly burst into tears or sobs. I’m just a big fat mess of loserness right now. Most of all, I keep making excuses for him, thinking he did this because he got overwhelmed but that he actually really loves me and this will all work out and he just needs time. But then again, in December before we got back together and he asked me to move in with him I had an episode after a friend made a rape joke that (unluckily) echoed the exact conditions of my sexual assault, he told me to be stronger about it and I freaked out, called him every name in the book (again he was in NY and me in FL) and told him I was going over to a friends house to calm down and I’d call him after that. When I called him and started apologizing for being so unreasonable he dumped me. It wasn’t until a month later that he responded to an email saying he’d made a huge mistake and begging me to forgive him and move in with him and give the relationship a real shot. So maybe he is just the type of guy to make promises and then leave when the going gets tough? Or maybe I’m just a crazy awful bitch who drives away even the nicest of guys? What the fuck is wrong with me Captain Awkward?
You feel shitty right now because some asshole put you through a giant ordeal and then dumped you via text message. Not because something is wrong with you.
I mean, something is wrong – you’ve been through a traumatic experience, you already are prone to depression – and if you’re not already seeing a counseling pro of some kind your first order of business is to get one on board.
My best friend dated someone we call The Tumor because after being all “Live with me!” “I will love you forever!” “Let’s adopt kittens!” he dumped her via text message in much the manner you are describing, up to and including treating her like a criminal. We could come up with only two plausible explanations for his behavior:
1) Evil, or emotionally damaged/selfish enough to be indistinguishable from evil.
2) Rapid onset of a malignant brain tumor. (No offense to non-evil people with brain tumors! “Wildly erratic behavior” can be a symptom.)
I’m pretty sure he’s still alive and well, so I’m going with Evil. My friend lived on my couch for a while and then slowly put her life back together and moved on from being with the selfish, abusive piece-of-shit who made her homeless.
Because that’s what you do when you talk people into living with you, make them as dependent as possible on you (like when he encouraged you to quit your job), and then, once they are dependent, you unilaterally decide to kick them out. You make them homeless. And you make them temporarily crazy looking for the things they did wrong or the things that are wrong with them that would explain what they did to deserve this. The answer is that they did nothing to deserve this. They dated someone with a blank space where his heart should be, and he was smart and handsome and able to put on a really good show for a while and then when he couldn’t sustain the show anymore he kicked the audience out.
Sometimes people suck. And then they break up with you, and you still miss them, and you hate yourself for it. So, listen:
When a bad relationship ends, you will still grieve for the love you had and the dreams you had for what it could have been. You will grieve for its potential. You will grieve for the good times. You will grieve for that feeling you had when you believed that everything would work out, for the times that you felt loved, for the times you felt hopeful. The Golden Retriever of Love is a loyal dog and you’re going to feel what you feel until you don’t feel it. That’s ok.
When you decided to terminate your pregnancy, SOMETHING was whispering to you and telling you All Is Not Right Here. Your partner was fluctuating wildly between extremes of emotion but somehow not allowing you to do the same thing. He was being manipulative and making his emotional roller-coaster the dominant one that you also had to ride on. You were feeling depressed and anxious. Things weren’t right. And ultimately you obeyed that feeling of Not Rightness when you made your decision. But it’s totally normal and okay to grieve for what might have been. How could you fail to imagine that alternate world where you were psyched about your pregnancy and your partner allowed you to be happy about it and wanted to build that happy alternate future with you? Go ahead and grieve, sweetheart.
I think ultimately you are going to be glad that you did not make a child with this man. I believe you that he manipulated you into making the decision, but I also think your self-preservation instinct had something to do with it. That feeling of relief might be a long time coming to you. It might never be simple and clean. But the relief and the healing will come to you in some way, sometime.
The best thing you can do when someone breaks up with you is to believe them. Whatever the reason, the fact is that you’re broken up now, and people get to break up with you even when they do it badly or it’s unfair.
I have a story about dating someone long distance who convinced me to reject a job offer in New York and move back here and start a relationship with him. I was lukewarm on the job offer and had friends and graduate school to finish back here, so it wasn’t 100% about him, but when he picked me up from the airport, took me out to dinner, had tender, loving sex and tons of FutureTalk and “I’m so glad you’re back!” with me all night and then dumped me the next morning it kind of threw off my balance for the next year of my life. It didn’t help that I kept sleeping with him sometimes. It didn’t help that I tried to stay friends or be the bigger person. It didn’t help that I kept looking for plausible explanations for what had just happened and how I could have been so stupid.
In addition to inspiring the term Darth Vader Boyfriend, here is what I gained from that experience: Sometimes you don’t get closure. Sometimes you don’t get to know what changed. Sometimes you don’t get that long talk that lays it all out there. Sometimes people act one way one day and the next day they act another. Sometimes you have to look at the array of plausible explanations, pick one, and go with it. Brain tumor vs. Evil. Here’s the kindest possible one I can think of for what your boyfriend did to you: It may be that being away from you gave him some perspective about the relationship being unhealthy and he needed that distance to make some final decision about it. He sent the text to make it complete and irrevocable and remove the temptation that a face-to-face conversation would be derailed somehow and you’d end up knitting back together like a badly-set bone.
That doesn’t explain the threats of police action and forcible eviction. Those, honestly, sway me back towards Evil or Really Fucked Up (& Kinda Evil).
I want to suggest some concrete steps for you to pull yourself through this time of grieving.
1) You’re with family. GOOD. That doesn’t make you a loser, that makes you a person with a family who will help you during hard times. Hold them close. Be nice to them.
2) We already said this, but COUNSELING NOW.
3) What do you need to do to finish that degree? Make a big list. Then do the stuff on that list. Slowly, a little bit at a time.
4) Be really, really gentle and nice to yourself. Eat good food. Get out of the house every day. Get a little exercise if you can. Read for pleasure. Watch movies or TV you like. Treat yourself a little bit. Give yourself a lot of credit for the small things you do every day.
5) Find a story to tell about what happened. Work with your therapist or counselor. Pick any explanation that does not end in “…because I suck and must have deserved it somehow.” That’s just untrue. Consider giving him a derisive, silly nickname. “Poopyhead.”
6) Believe in the breakup. I have a really, really bad feeling about him trying to resurface in your life soon, the way he’s done before. He may have made the decision to break up, but right now, you have a decision you can make too, and that decision has power. You can decide to STAY broken up. You can decide to block him on all social media, to filter or block his email messages. You can change your cell phone number and not give him the new one and tell all your friends and family to not give him the new one. You can decide to be done with a dude who breaks up with you via text message and treats you like an illegal squatter in your own home. You can decide that whatever explanation he can possibly give you is not worth one more second in the company of someone who would treat you like that. You don’t have to get on his roller-coaster with him ever ever again.
It’s now six years after her text-message breakup, and my best friend is happily married to the best man in the world and they’ve enthusiastically made a small person together. What you’re going through right now sucks beyond the telling of it. Your pain is real. Your grief is real. Your confusion and feeling of whiplash is real. Those things are all survivable and you will survive them. As with any grief, time does its work on us and we literally cannot sustain that intensity of pain for very long. All the things you want from life are still possible and ahead of you.
The nickname “The Tumor” is up for grabs, is what I’m saying.