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More depressing search terms.

As you know, WordPress lets me see what people typed into Google to find this place.  Sometimes these things are hilarious and awesome, like  “sex on second date and i am not sorry.”  Why would you be sorry, anonymous internet searcher?  Go get you some.

However, tonight it was “boyfriend threatening rape if i dont have sex.”

Listen, if you’re out there, and you typed those words into a search engine, there is some stuff I need you to hear right now.

1.  That guy is not your boyfriend.  He is some asshole you used to date.  Do you understand?  He does not love you, he is not good to you, he does not deserve you, he does not get to touch you, you don’t have to spend one more second with him.  There is no universe where that is okay. Actually threatening to rape someone in order to make them have sex with you counts…as rape. That guy is a heinous raping fucktard.

2.  Get out of whatever building he is in and into a safe place now. Your family.  Your friends.  A hotel.  Your RA, if you’re in college.  Go somewhere that he is not.

3. Once again I’ll plug RAINN – one of the things they have is a free hotline that can connect you with someone who can help you.

Be safe.  You do not deserve to be treated like this.  Please find help.

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17 comments
  1. Joe said:

    I weep for my gender.

    I wouldn’t dignify this male by calling him an asshole – that comes with the assumption that he’s a human being.

    • JenniferP said:

      Joe, I’m not sure this will actually make you feel better, exactly, but we don’t know if the person searching was male or female. The particular dude who inspired the search? We can hate that guy for sure.

      • Joe said:

        Good point, Cap – I shouldn’t make assumptions like that – but no, it doesn’t make me feel better. Gay or het, abusers like that are slime, and the inhumanity of their behavior disturbs the hell out of me.

  2. denelian said:

    oh, gods – i just spent 2 years convincing my friend to leave her husband for the exact same thing.

    the Captain is right, person who searched using those terms – run away. now. before he has even MORE to use to make you stay. get a restraining order. file charges if you can.

    be safe. i send GoodThoughts that you CAN be.

  3. If your boyfriend is threatening rape if you don’t have sex…

    …and you have sex…

    YOU WERE RAPED.

    Also, I’m so glad the only things my blog brings me are confused porn seekers and even more confused high school English students.

    • JenniferP said:

      I have a massive sex education post brewing, I think. I feel like all the abstinence-only sex education during the Bush years left out a LOT of important information. Like stuff about consent – how to give it, what it looks like when you get it – since if you’re not supposed to ever have sex until you own/are owned in a traditional patriarchal marriage…you see where this is going.

      Resources? Thoughts?

      • clairedammit said:

        You could start with reading some of the stories on No Longer Quivering. What always strikes me, who was raised in a liberal atheist household, about the stories the women tell there, is how often they are just an extreme version of what most of us in this society have dealt with at one time. It’s all about the unspoken assumptions.

        Also, have you ever seen the movie An Education? A 16-year-old in the early 60′s was dating a 30-something man with her parents permission, and when it all when pear-shaped, her dad said something like “we thought you’d be safer with him.” When I was 17 in the late 70′s I dated a much older man and when it all fell apart, my parents said much the same thing.

        • JenniferP said:

          Loved An Education. I think my favorite moment is after she’s had sex with him and we realize that he’s probably terrible in bed, she’s like “Is that all there is to it?”

          I also sort of cry when we see the teacher’s house at the end, such a beautiful amazing space, full of what’s possible. I need to go back and watch that for decorating ideas.

      • Traditional Married said:

        Yes. we need to read this post.

        • JenniferP said:

          Your username and the above reference to No Longer Quivering (I think we got linked there a while back, but I wasn’t a member so I couldn’t see what it was about) makes me want to do a massive “How did you learn about sex? What did you learn about sex?” survey.

          So how did you learn about sex? When did you learn about sex? Who taught you and what was that like? I’m really interested to know.

          • Traditional Married said:

            It’s a possibility that I could have learned about sex from the classes we had at school in 4th grade, but I was too shy/embarrassed to pay attention, because it wasn’t something we discussed at home. The only things my parents told me were: 1)sex is for married people 2)homosexuals are evil. I probably also could have learned from the classes at school in 7th grade, but my parents signed a form saying I didn’t have to go to them (because they didn’t want me to learn about evil things like birth control and condoms, and also because I was shy and embarrassed) I learned a little from married friends in college, and a lot more when I got married. (This was a Bad Plan. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into.) But it mostly sucks and I hate it, and recently I found Scarleteen so I’m learning some things from that. Since you’re probably curious (I would be) my family is much, much more liberal than the Quiverfull people, but still pretty dang conservative. My husband’s family is legit Quiverfull, but oddly respecting of my decision to get a Ph.D. and SILL not be pregnant after being married over 2 years.

          • JenniferP said:

            Thanks for your answer!

            I’m glad you’re on the “It’s my Quiver, I’ll fill it when I damn well please” track.

      • denelian said:

        i’d DEFINATELY start at “enthusiastic consent” [um... i'm amusing you know what it is and that you approve - if you don't know what it is, let me know. i'm fairly certain if you DO know, you DO approve - you've all but said it...]

        Planned Parenthood has some nifty stuff on their man website…

        a DVD i’d be totally willing to send a copy of – the documentary “Daddy I Do”. about the purity ball thing, and abstiencence, and to my surprise and shock Amanda Marcotte was in it [i was watching with a friend of my, and did a spit take, and yelled "HOLY FUCKING FUCK IS AMANDA MARCOTTE?!" and then the little announcement "Amanda Marcotte - feminist writer" showed up and i was all "OMG if i'd known she was in this i would have got TWO copies"
        not really - they sent it to me FREE, but i would have tried harder to pay for it [i tried to pay. i can't even figure out how to DONATE to them!]

        anyway…
        there’s a group that sends condoms to people at colleges – hundreds, so you can hand them out – who i’d also recommend you link with/to but i can’t remember their NAME right now… i’ll try to find it.

      • k said:

        You might want to check out Clarisse Thorn if you are unfamiliar with her work, she has written a pretty great stuff about consent and dating in general.

        Examples:

        http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/11/11/classic-repost-liberal-sex-positive-sex-education-whats-missing/

        http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/07/03/sex-communication-tactic-derived-from-sm-2-safewords-and-check-ins/

        http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/05/08/towards-my-personal-sex-positive-feminist-101/

        She also has the most diverse yet functional commenter community I’ve ever seen, though this is a tribute to some INTENSE moderation on her part. Feminists and PUA’s talking quite casually and cordially to one another about sex? Yes. It can happen.

  4. RedSonja said:

    Scarleteen is a GREAT sex-ed resource. I just did a presentation for my Social Problems class about abstinence only sex-ed, and I used Scarleteen a LOT.

    • JenniferP said:

      Scarleteen is THE BEST.

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