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Reader question #39: My girlfriend is moving away to go to school and be with her other boyfriend(s). Should I wait?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you...duel it to the death? Wait, that can't be right.

Good day Cap-i-tan!

I come to you now with the story if my current relationship, which is very very….. very awkward.

Bit of information to note. She was 19, is now 20, I am 24.

We met through friends, and first started out to be roommates cause mine was leaving me in a month and change. After a few weeks of talking we gave in to the sparks that where there. So she moved in as my girlfriend. By this time I had already learned so much about her that told me the time was not right. But, stupid me, I went ahead and did it anyways. She was currently with two other guys, and seeing another two on the side. She was in the process of getting rid of them all. However the most immediate boyfriend stayed because he was in another city.

Fast-forwarding…

She is moving down to the other guy in September for schooling, and where a large portion of her friends reside. They know nothing about me other than I am the roommate.

I have taken the time to learn her needs, what she loves and how she likes to be treated, and I know that I cannot try to hold onto her. Yet she says she will come back to me when she’s done her classes in 8 months after September. I don’t know what the chances of that are, and it’s biting constantly at me.

Some final notes, she suffers from depression a bit and is on meds for it. The meds have cause her libido to drop. To nothing. We have had sex once in three months and in our 11 month relationship, at least 5 have been dry spells.  To cover one loose end, it was defined as a open relationship at the beginning.

What I ask you is simply for a woman’s view of this, feedback, assessment, thoughts. I’m just curious. What do you make of all this? At the end of the day it’s a messed up story that I’m sharing with you. Cause I can. That’s about it I guess.

Thanks!

Mike

Dear Mike:

Let’s say I am magic and I can predict the future.  Let’s say that when this girl goes away to school, you just let her go.  “Of course I’d love to see you when you get back, but let’s not commit to anything.  Let’s enjoy the time we have, and then you should go live your life and have fun.”

You’ll miss her for a little while.  Things will be sad and gray for a month or so.  Someone who can successfully juggle five guys at a time has a lot of personal charisma, and you’re going to miss being around that charisma.

And then after a little while you will start to feel relieved.  It will be like you’ve woken up from being under a spell.

You won’t be worrying about her, her libido, her meds, the friends she hasn’t really told about you, where she is, who she’s sleeping with, what her likes and dislikes are.  You’ll be worrying about your own stuff – career, friendships, what your own likes and dislikes are, and meeting new awesome women who have figured themselves out a little bit.  These new awesome women won’t juggle you with a bunch of other dudes, and they will tell their friends about you, and they will want to have sex with you, and the skills you’ve already learned – not being controlling or jealous, being kind, etc. – will make you a great boyfriend.

She may come back, and she may come back to you, but 8 months is a long time when you are 20 and in school – everything happens by the semester during that time in your life. If it is meant to be, if your connection is real, she will come back and seek you out and jump your bones and surround you with affection.  But I think that you will be better off letting that be a happy surprise than making that the thing you hold out for.  You’ve got better things to do than to spend every night on the phone or IM with someone who lives far away and has another boyfriend lined up where she’s moving.

For the record, I don’t think open relationships are bad, or that your girl is a bad person for having juggled or juggling a lot of dudes – Gather ye rosebuds while ye may! – but I think that long distance relationships are damn near impossible even without those pressures, and you will be better if you make your peace with it now and take the pressure off of both of you.  If she were writing to me I’d give her the same advice:  Enjoy what you have while it lasts, and when it’s time to leave, let go.

This song goes out to you.  (h/t to B to the S)

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3 comments
  1. Damn, that Trampled by Turtles video gave me carpal tunnel just from watching. That is some fast strumming and picking.

    Also, Mike, yeah, move on.

  2. Jason said:

    Mike- Move on. There are other fish in the sea, and being in a long distance relationship while in college is, by and large, a mistake.

  3. k said:

    Yes, move on. There are waaaaay too many fish in the sea for you to be putting up with this. I have no issues with the whole open relationship thing, and hey, sometimes meds make a sex life difficult. But not telling her friends about you? That is messed up. Girl does not appreciate all that you are doing for her.

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