About these ads
43 Comments

Reader Question #4: My friend is dating someone terrible, or, Secrets of The Darth Vader Boyfriend.

 

Darth Vader

Do not date this man.

Dear Captain Awkward:

A close friend is dating a total loser.  Please give me the magic-spell-words to make him see this and dump him.  Or else the fortitude to watch him marry this creep.  We have already talked about my reservations concerning his partner’s character and their relationship.  I don’t want to push him away.

I think my answer to this question depends a lot on why you hate this guy so much. There’s a big difference between “Can’t hang” and “Treats my friend badly.”

Dear Captain Awkward:

Both. I mean – He can’t hang, and he doesn’t treat my friend well. For example, he has been moving the relationship along extremely quickly. He brought up marriage on the first date, and immediately started showering my friend with expensive presents. They’ve only been together for three months, but they just moved in together and are already planning a wedding.  He has a lot of expectations for how my friend should be that makes me think he doesn’t really “see” my friend clearly and accept who he is. For example, the two of them went on a long bike trip together, and it took longer than this guy expected because my friend is not as in-shape and had to work harder to keep up, so the partner got upset that things were taking so long.

He is very socially awkward and will often blurt out hurtful and insulting things at social gatherings that are later explained away as “jokes.” He’s also extremely conservative and quotes Glenn Beck all the time, and his idea of how their marriage should work definitely casts himself as a traditional husband and my friend as a “wife” even though they are both men.

I’ve told my friend what I think, and he always has an explanation for everything this guy does. My friend has brought up that the guy probably has Asperger’s syndrome, which, okay, that explains some of the social awkwardness, but I hate how my lovely, kind, and outgoing friend is always explaining and apologizing for this bozo’s outbursts.

I think the biggest red flag is that this guy doesn’t seem to have any other friends. My friend is his entire world. My friend claims that he does have some friends back home in another state, but he’s never met any of them. Since I’ve said what I had to say to him and they’re still getting married, I realize that I probably have to just resign myself and change the subject a lot when we’re together and the relationship comes up, but I’d welcome any other advice.

Thanks for the clearer picture! That is helpful. And awkward.

Your friend is dating Darth Vader. Let me explain: 

“Luke, your dad is totally evil.”

“There’s good in him. I’ve felt it.”

“Luke, he blew up a planet just to make a point.”

“There’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”

“Luke, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he severed your hand.  From your arm. He cut it off.”

“Dueling to the death is just how we relate. You wouldn’t understand it. Now that we both have prosthetic robot limbs, it’s only brought us closer together.”

“Luke, he lured your friends into a trap so that he could murder them in front of you. We had to be rescued by Ewoks. It was embarrassing.”

“Yeah, that was pretty bad, I admit! But there’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”

And then Luke is risking his own life to carry Darth Vader out of the Death Star before it explodes so he can look up on that swollen purple face and experience one shining moment of real connection that would justify everything he’s invested in this completely dysfunctional relationship and he’s like “See? IT WAS ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT!” and even R2D2 is like “Whatever, the Ewoks are having a dance party, and I just can’t talk about this with you even one more time. Have fun with your collection of Ghostly Jedi Father Figures.”

I dated a Darth Vader, who is listed in my cell phone literally as “Darth Vader Do Not Answer.”  My friends were very overt in their (totally correct) disapproval of the time I spent with this intergalactic sociopath. They would audibly groan and roll their eyes and leave the room if I answered a call or a text from him or brought up his name. They could not understand what I saw in him, and I could not really explain to them what I saw in him, but the answer was embarrassingly specific: Really Good Sex + Enough Drama To Fascinate.

There’s a poem by Marilyn Hacker called “She Bitches About Boys” with the line: “Women love a sick child or a healthy animal; A man who is both itches them like an incubus.”

This guy found me when I was a bit lonely and unmoored and he expertly crawled up into my life by showering me with affection and attention and orgasms.  He also provided just enough confessions of deep childhood trauma that – when he hurt me – my first instinct would be to feel sorry for him instead of myself. I’ve never done heroin, but if it felt anything like the first few months of falling in love with this guy I totally understand why people do it, to the point that when he broke up with me I didn’t sigh with relief and run screaming in the other direction. No, I tried to get the relationship back.

Twilight Edward

Do not date this man, either.

My point is this: This relationship is filling some need that your friend has. It may be a need from The Dark and Sexy Side of the Force, so it may be something that your friend can’t or doesn’t want to explain. But something about this guy’s controlling ways feels good to your friend. I’m going to assume that you’re a grounded, healthy, regular person. So when someone says “You’re the only person who really understands me” to you on the second date, you panic. So do I….except for when I was completely high on being intertwined with who I thought was the First Person To Really Get Me, Too, and then had to spend a year of my life in Love’s Methadone Clinic. So do most people, except that The Twilight Saga books have sold over 116 million copies worldwide and a non-zero percentage of those readers think that Love Means Breaking Into Your House and Watching You While You Sleep.  This guy has somehow tapped into your friend’s idea of what love should feel like.

I tell you all of this because: I think of myself as an intelligent and level-headed person, but I still got swept away. It feels good to be swept away.  If you can understand that you can forgive him for it. If you can forgive him, when the topic of Bad Partner comes up, you can silent remind yourself “He’s getting something out of this that I can’t see.” That might be what you have to keep repeating to yourself as they careen toward the altar.

So let’s talk about scenarios.

There’s Good In Him, I’ve Felt It. You can’t talk someone out of being in love with Darth Vader, and sadly, the worse it gets the more your friend might try to talk himself into trying to make it work because if there is a happy ending all the ways he’s had to abase himself to stay in the relationship will have been “worth it.” You tried that, it didn’t work.

Maybe He’ll Cut Off A Hand Or Blow Up A Planet. If this guy is really a bad person or even just a bad fit for your friend, then sadly even the best-case scenario involves pain for your friend. At some point the guy might do something awful enough that it breaks the spell. If they are living together this can lead to a great deal of upheaval or financial hardship, and you can help your friend by being a place of safety and non-judgment while he goes through Love Rehab.

Your Hate Just Feeds The Dark Side. The worst-case scenario is that the guy is an abuser and that he will use your dislike of him to help isolate your friend socially. When people are unsure of themselves, they use a surrogate to point out problems, like “I told Jorge about our bike ride, and he said that you were being inconsiderate by expecting me to keep up with you” (Or, “I wrote to Dear Abby and she says that you should stop doing that!”) That gives the partner ammunition to say “Jorge has never liked me, why would you keep hanging out with someone who is so hostile to the person you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with?” Then the next time your friend sees you he’s on the defensive, and if you say anything bad about the partner you’re just reinforcing the badness. If your friend feels humiliated and judged he will withdraw from you and cling to Darth Vader.

Your friend knows how you feel about Darth, right? So when he tells stories about him, what kind of affirmation is he looking for? Is he looking to win you over and using these stories to convince you that “There’s good in him, I’ve felt it?” Or is he looking for a reality check from you because his head is so spun that he’s stop trusting his own gut, and he knows he can trust you to look out for him in a way that he can’t right now? Since they’re talking about matrimony I’m guessing the first one, but it’s not 100% certain and can even oscillate from day to day or even moment to moment.

There’s kind of a test for this that’s also the way to cope with this. When your friend tells you another story about Darth (or makes excuses for crappy behavior), answer like a therapist would:  Don’t talk much, and when you do, ask only questions.

  • “Hmmm.”
  • “Interesting.”
  • “And then what happened?”‘
  • “How do you feel about that?”
  • “Can you remember how the argument started?”
  • “Is that okay with you?”
  • “Is that usual?”
  • “Did you tell him what you’re telling me?”
  • “How did he react?”
  • “What do you think will happen now?”
  • “If I were telling you this story, what would you tell me to do?”

What a therapist does is ask you leading questions and radiate non-judgement until you’ve talked your way through all your own defenses and circular bullshit and tried to turn things into entertaining anecdotes and try to convince yourself that “it’s not that bad” until you run out of excuses and you have to say the truth: What you want. What you need. What you feel. What you’re afraid of.

I could not do that job. I can write the scene from the movie right now where me-as-therapist would Hulk out: “OH GOD BREAK UP BREAK UP NOW. JUST BREAK UP. DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE BROKEN UP. PUT BREAKING UP ON YOUR TO-DO LIST AND THEN CHECK THAT OFF WHEN YOU’VE BROKEN UP. PLEASE TO BE BREAKING UP? NEED TO BREAK UP? ASK ME HOW! I WILL PAY YOU CA$H MONEY TO BREAK UP. PLEASE VISIT THE DEPARTMENT OF BREAKING UP ON YOUR WAY OUT AND FILL OUT THIS COMMENT CARD ABOUT BREAKING UP. BREAKING UP CALLED AND LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, HE SAID ‘BREAK UP.””

And then I think about Darth Vader and my friends sitting through another brunch and my very nice therapist sitting through another session and saying “Do think think that’s okay?” and you could do this every time you see your friend and he could still not break up. That’s okay. Asking questions takes care of your friend, and it also takes care of you by helping you be a safe, nonjudgmental presence for your friend.

And then, you said it yourself in your letter – you can set boundaries and change the subject.

“You already know how I feel.”

“I want to be supportive, but this story makes me uncomfortable.”

“You already know how I feel, so why are you telling me this?”

And if you can find it in your heart, maybe try this:

“I don’t like him, and I still don’t get it, but if you are happy then I trust you.”

By which I mean….Accept That You Might Be Wrong About Everything. Maybe Darth Vader has some rough edges but is really kind and funny in ways you don’t see. Maybe the things he does activate your own personal peeves and triggers that you assumed your friend shares but it turns out he doesn’t and the things don’t bug him the same way.

How can one man be so pathetic and yet so abusive?

Under no circumstances. By all that is holy and good and right in this world. No. Just...no.

That seems crazy counter-intuitive and I can feel those words turning to ashes in your mouth, but this is why I suggest them: Controlling people make their victims second-guess everything. When you’re involved with a Darth Vader from beginning to end it’s a story of “I can’t believe this is really happening!” In the beginning it’s “I can’t believe I found someone so magically perfect and amazing! Double Rainbow!” When it sours, it can be directed at you, like “I can’t believe you can’t see how awesome my boyfriend is, why are you being so judgmental?” The person’s self-preservation instinct is still there, it’s just been stunned by the incredible speed and highs and lows of the relationship, but sometimes it does come through with “I can’t believe that Not Okay thing happened!” but by then the person can’t trust what’s real and not real. “Is the high of being in love real? Are the Not Okay things real? Are my friend’s warnings real? Since I don’t know what to believe and I want the love so badly, I choose love.”

Deep inside your friend knows everything he needs to know about how this is going to play out. Remind him that he’s smart, and strong, and good at making decisions, and that he has your respect, because an abuser will be doing the opposite. Detach from your own need to be right about this. Detach from your own need to control the outcome of your friend’s relationship. Remind your friend of his own strength. It could be the thing that breaks the spell.

Or not.  In which case, you don’t have to go to their wedding. That sounds like a really good weekend to be Anywhere But There.

About these ads

About JenniferP

Chicago filmmaker, teacher, and blogger.

43 comments on “Reader Question #4: My friend is dating someone terrible, or, Secrets of The Darth Vader Boyfriend.

  1. Funny with a twist of insight

  2. OH MY GOD!

    I came over from Feministe after posting a link and I was won over by your pitch.

    Afterward I read the article and died laughing.

    I remember when my friend was dating this “Darth Vader” and when she first started talking about his penis is was 9 inches long and the longer they dated and the more she got mad at him, the smaller the description of his penis got.

    It’s true, plus if he is really bad and he/she doesn’t see it… I guess it’s karma.

    • Thanks for the nice words, and I enjoy your anecdote of the Magical Shrinking Penis.

      I’ve been watching a lot of Hoarders lately, and many times I think “I cannot figure out what is keeping this couple together” and then I think “Oh. Right. Gross.”

      You just never know what’s going on between two people unless you’re one of the people, and sometimes, not even then.

  3. But I waaaaaaant to date Spike! Just look at his cheekbones. C’mon!!

    Awesome and hilarious, lady. Aweslarious.

    • But he’s so rapey! Ew!

      I would quote Buffy (“A world of no.”) back to you, but sadly we all know how that ended up.

  4. Oh my god. I once dated Darth Vader. I was flattered by that level of passion. It was like a soap opera, or a Harlequin romance, where women flounce and bold men grab their arms and yank them back for the passionate kiss the woman didn’t know she needed. Oh yes. That is how a man loves a woman!

    I was not a flouncer by nature. I was staid and practical. I tended to date staid practical boyfriends, who loved me calmly. But apparently some part of me wanted to have that kind of Rhett & Scarlett bullshit. Or believe I was the kind of woman who could inspire that kind of passion from a man.

    So when I met Darth and he showed himself to be a big dickhead, fighting with me, displaying bucketloads of irrational jealousy and controlling behavior… oh how heady that was. Look at the kind of passion I could inspire! It enabled me to make endless excuses for him.

    Thank you Gulf War for calling him up because I got some distance and realized that this was ridiculous. [And lest I seem like a bitch who dumps her soldier boyfriend while he's fighting on the front lines, the war ended before they got out of special training]

    • Thank you, Gulf War!

      Unfortunately, sometimes Darth Vader is really, really just unbelievably hot. For a while he lights up the pleasure centers of your brain like a Christmas tree, to the point you decide “If he is acting this crazy, it must be because I am this special! Yeah!” Sadly he’s just crazy and will be crazy at someone else next time.

  5. [...] sort of touched on this in the Darth Vader boyfriend thread, but one of the ways that people handle dysfunctional relationships is to further invest in them.  [...]

  6. I keep forgetting to post this, but your answer really made me think of this: http://iharthdarth.livejournal.com/7757.html

  7. I know this oldish, but I just found this blog last night and have been reading back through the archives and man, I wish I’d read this in college when I dated my own Darth Vader. He was a genuinely good guy, but he had a lot of Serious Issues and I was his fix for them, and with all the time and emotion I put in (and he!! really!! needed me!!!) I couldn’t just end things even when I knew, deep down, I needed to. So I mostly ignored the look in my friends’ eyes that mean that even when they said, “Oh, it sucks that he did that,” they were mentally screaming “STOP TALKING TO ME AND GO TALK TO HIM AND WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY IS ‘I BREAK UP WITH YOU, YOU ARE BROKEN UP WITH, GO AWAY.’”

    So for other folks who might stumble across this: stop ignoring and just break up with him. Because afterwards it is a relief, not a tragedy. (And six years post-relationship, we are actually good-but-not close friends, remarkably! Thanks to several years of distance and not talking so I could get over it. Distance and not talking is great, by the way. Anyway.)

    Basically: you are both hilarious and give great advice.

  8. as someone who has dated several darth vaders, i still never knew how to respond to the friend who was dating a darth vader. in the future, now i know. thank you.

  9. Any idea why this came up on my Google Reader today as a new post?

  10. Oh god.

    I am dating Darth Vader.

    Shit.

    *
    *
    *
    *
    *

    How do I break up with him? How do I break the spell?

    • Break addiction to magic penis. It’s the only way.

      • Even now I am past the breaking of my addiction, my 1st thought was:

        BUT IT’S SO HARD!

        By which I meant, difficult. Which it very much is.

      • My 1st thought was: but it’s so hard!

        By which I meant difficult. Really.

        • (apologies for the multiple posts. Login problems.)

        • *falls over laughing*

          I nearly dated this guy. Then I asked about doing things with friends more often and he said that when two people have a connection as special as ours, other people only get in the way. I ran like hell. There was no sex involved, fortunately, but just having the guy’s attention was intoxicating. Instead I married the guy who made me laugh, and have never regretted it.

  11. Holy shit, holy shit! This was totally the ex that took me a year to get over (yeah 2011)! Not obviously evil, but not great either for same old same old reasons; but yummy sex and boatloads of affection! Ahhhhhhhhhh I felt so special! Why did I believe it!

    And @Cate — just get away and do your damnedest to stay strong. It’s SO DIFFICULT. But it can be done! I am rooting for everyone with a Vadar.

  12. [...] would work on humans the way sun and water and Miracle Gro work on plants. I turn 38 this weekend. To date, I have been successful in loving people out of their childhood traumas, addictions, and mood [...]

  13. [...] think he is your Darth Vader boyfriend; all wounded and complicated and sexy and trying to manipulate your emotions so that you will [...]

  14. [...] song takes a full verse to recover. That’s setting aside the structural oddity of letting the Darth Vader Boyfriend make his point first, before we’ve heard the charges, rather than the usual refutation or [...]

  15. [...] I’m really sorry. I can’t imagine how much it sucks to invest so much in someone for so long and have it not work out. I can’t really help you have boundaries about him. I have no funny pop culture analogies. You have to decide inside yourself that you deserve better than this and that you get to close the door on this chapter forever. Only you can face Vader. [...]

  16. Good post. I dated a Darth Vader a Magical Penis (TM) when I was in Uni. And sadly it wasn’t until I met my now husband a couple of years ago that I really purged him from my system. Sadly the cultural narrative we have of how sex with The One will be better than and unlike any other sex and that is how you Know is far too pervasive.

  17. [...] or inclination. Or want to flip it to the commenters. Or whatnot.   First: How does one spot a Darth Vader? It’s possible, but also possibly not, what I have.   Second: What’s the real deal with [...]

  18. Holy crap. I just emailed you about my own situation and then found this post. That ex is so very much Darth Vader.

    • If it’s the letter I’m thinking about, let me answer it here:

      Cut off all contact cold turkey. Unfriend/block the person everywhere that can be blocked, delete the person from your phone, stop all touching.

      Edited To Add: Oh. If it’s the letter that just came in, that’s a LAWYER AND YOUR FRIENDS (who can witness for you) problem.

  19. [...] going mad thinking about him all the time. Yours,  Infatuated  Dear Infatuated: First, read this. Next, read this. Third, let me answer your question here: “I know he treats me badly, but [...]

  20. [...] all separate people who are doing it for their own reasons, and if you read the original Darth Vader Boyfriend post, they’re getting something out of it that you can’t see. You can’t really prevent [...]

  21. LW here! I just realized I never replied. Wanted to say that I’ll be going to their wedding in August. :/ But I truly believe the advice about trusting my friend and reminding him of his own strength is the best on this topic ever. Thanks!

    • I’m sorry to hear that! I hope that you’re wrong about your friend’s fiance.

    • Has the situation improved over the last 18 months or so? I guess not if you’re still dreading the wedding.

      • Well, the boyfriend’s manners have not improved. But my friend does seem to be happy. So I am holding pretty tight to the hope that it takes all kinds, and that even if the B-F’s social skills and politics are extremely inconsiderate, that he will be able to be supportive in all the right ways of my dude anyways.

        I am not looking forward to the wedding, but at least I know it will be interesting?

  22. Thank you so much! I will probably never know what was real and what was all in my head from when I dated Darth Vader, but it’s much easier to understand what I was thinking now.

  23. [...] addition to the term Darth Vader Boyfriend, this is what I learned from that experience: Sometimes you don’t get closure. Sometimes you [...]

Comments are closed.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,571 other followers

%d bloggers like this: