It’s National Adoption Month, and I wrote a thing about fantasizing about my “real” family that you can read here.
What are you most looking forward to about celebrating the Halfway Out of the Dark festivals this year? What are some holiday traditions you have created? Are there any gifts you’ve picked out that you are dying to tell someone about without spoiling the surprise? Tell us!
If this is a really hard time for you, there is a thread here for you to tell us about it. You are not alone!
I may or may not be in love with my best friend. We have been close for over 10 years, and dated briefly at age 18, 8 years ago, when we broke up due to long distance and the mutual feeling that we both needed to have college experiences and relationships and sex, and to develop individually as people. We remained very close, rebuilding our friendship from there, and supporting each other through the stages of growing up, relationships, jobs, etc, from afar (with the exception of Christmases, a couple summers at home, and visiting each other, we have lived in different parts of the country for 8 years). We have always been able to talk very frankly about our boundaries as well as about our mutual attraction. We have also been able to adjust very well when either of us was in a relationship with another person, adapting the intimacy of our relationship to an appropriate level and giving each other space when we needed it. I know that if he fell in love with someone I would genuinely be delighted for him, and vice versa, because it has happened a couple of times, without issues. We would re-draw our boundaries and adapt our friendship. However, right now he and I are both single, and we are about to have a month together for christmas. I know that historically those circumstances lead to me feeling very romantically and physically attracted to him. On one hand that is great, but on the other hand, we are still on opposite sides of the country for at least two more years until we finish our degrees.
The thing is, neither of us wants to do a long distance relationship, and honestly he and I have already discussed the fact that the distance, and the fact that there has never NOT been distance makes it difficult for either of us to know how we really feel about each other romantically. When we see each other it is in these emotionally intense bursts, and I don’t know how he would fit into my daily life or how I would fit into his, whether we would truly be compatible romantically, or whether we are just building a romance in our heads. We have said that if we lived in the same city, and were single, we would probably give dating a try, since we like each other so much, and actually our long term goals are very compatible. We’ve also promised to NOT pull any “My Best Friend’s Wedding” stunts. I guess my question is this: should I keep my hands off him this Christmas? As it is now, in two years, he and I can have a conversation about actually ending up in the same state, (we’ve discussed that we are interested in many of the same cities and as of now, it wouldn’t have to be a huge romantic pressure thing to try to end up in the same city). We have never actually slept together, though we have done other things over the years when we were both single. Would it change things in such a way that it would BECOME a romantic pressure thing?
Regardless of whether he and I worked out romantically, I want him in my life and it would be lovely to be in the same city. I just don’t want for either of us to sabotage other relationships because we are secretly holding onto this one, and I also don’t want to sabotage this friendship or to do anything that could prevent it from developing into something romantic if that was the right thing.
My feeling is, if after knowing this person for eight years you are working toward goals like ending up in the same city someday, referencing My Best Friend’s Wedding as a Thing That Might Happen, routinely renegotiating your boundaries and level of intimacy around whether one of you happens to be dating, and arranging your current romantic and sexual decision-making around this eventuality to the point that you would not get together now for the mere CHANCE to try it out “the right way” later, then the “Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair?” cat is already well out of the bag. However, I am kicking this one to the commenters, since logistics and timing are real factors here, and since “Oh, just fuck* already, you’ll figure out a lot from that and you are clearly burning for him” is probably not the thoughtful response you deserve. <3
*contingent on respectful discussion and mutual consent
Hey Captain and Crew,
I’ve got… well, let’s say I’ve got some guilt on how I handled a situation, and I could really use an objective perspective. I’m a master of the JerkBrain Guilt-stravaganza, and I can’t tell if I should tell my brain to shut up or if it’s on point.
I’ve been working at a job I dislike for a long time (almost 10 years). It was relatively steady work and in the economy no one else seemed to want me. This past spring I took additional education, in the hopes of that making me more viable. Since July I’ve been actively (read desperately) hunting for a new job. Yesterday I was contacted by a headhunter I’ve been working with. She had a “possible” with the catch of having to start immediately.
I’d gotten nothing but rejections, and things have been so bad here at the office I was considering just leaving anyway. I told her to put me forward thinking it would go nowhere. That same day she came back with a positive response. I’ve been offered a temp-to-perm opportunity for more money and while not the position I was hoping for, it’s at least in the industry I just trained for.
I didn’t think, not for more than a moment. I accepted, and felt the bottom fall out of my world. I told all my bosses that Friday is my last day. They’ve been resigned and more or less gracious about my sudden departure. There have been a few barbed comments about how I probably owed them better after so many years. Captain, I’m a creature made of guilt right now. It’s never been a secret I was actively trying to leave, but this isn’t how I wanted the final farewell to go.
I guess I wanted someone else’ opinion- how much of the guilt I’m feeling is appropriate? Did I just act like a total jerk to people I’ve known a decade? I’m already so overwhelmed trying to wrap up everything at my old job, and mentally prepare for my new one that this guilt-monster is just, exhausting and beginning to convince me I’m a bad person who was nasty to people who’ve been more or less good to her.
What do you think Captain? Any insight would be appreciated.
For the past year or so, I’ve been doing what I think most people do when they’re young and newly liberated from their ultra-conservative family – learning about the world. Before this, I was very sheltered and of the belief that the world is mostly okay save for a few small things like the price of gas and there being too many polyester shirts.
Since learning about a lot of other stuff that’s going on, I’ve become very political, and, well, very angry. I’m angry about drone strikes. I’m angry about Islamophobia. I’m angry about the mainstream media. I’m angry about the wage gap. I’m angry about rape culture. I’m angry about gentrification. I’m angry about climate change. I’m angry about factory farming.
I’m angry about a lot of stuff.
That last one is the biggest problem for me right now, though. I was raised to believe that there is a happy cow out there somewhere who generally enjoys life up until its last days and then dies quickly and painlessly and makes its way onto my plate. Turns out that isn’t the case, and factory farming is a source of enormous animal suffering, not to mention violations of worker and human rights, as well as the leading cause of global warming. As soon as I found this out, I did what I’ve been trying to do whenever I learn yet another thing about the world that’s out of whack – I tried to make whatever difference I could. I’ve been vegan for a few months now.
I haven’t told anyone about these new eating habits. I want people to know – I think there are a lot of people who, like me, didn’t know this stuff existed. I know there are also a lot of people who know but choose not to think about it, and that upsets me. I went out for one lunch with a friend of mine and ordered a bean burger, and before I said anything other than “Can I have a bean burger?” she was jumping on me about vegetarianism and preachy vegans and I haven’t eaten food in front of anyone else since. I don’t want to be a preachy vegan. I don’t want to police or shame people. I do want to have important conversations about our society’s eating habits and what they mean for our planet. Is there a middle ground there, or is telling someone that you’re eating vegan (not buying leather, not buying Nike or Sodastream or sharing anything by FCKH8, the list is so long I’m starting to realize I can’t avoid being immoral) inherently judgemental of their choices?
I don’t think you’ve covered my particular issue – how to stop difficult people disrupting meetings when you’re notionally in charge of those meetings – so here goes.
Six months ago I took over as chairperson of a local voluntary group. My problem is with the behaviour of a group member – let’s call her “Ethel”. It’s a real struggle trying to keep the meetings on track because she derails discussions and interrupts people.
The previous chairperson was much more tolerant of Ethel, and, as a result, meetings frequently overran and went off-topic because of her rambling. This stressed me out, and I suspect it put other people off attending the meetings, but I figured it wasn’t my job to do anything, so I just put up with it. Now, of course, it is my job.
Ethel used to be only peripherally involved with the group, but now she comes so that her husband “Robert” can attend. He’s a longstanding member of the group who used to be very active. But he is now a wheelchair user who can’t get around on his own, so he can’t attend meetings without Ethel, who’s his carer as well as his wife.
So far I’ve tried to deal with it by formalising the way we run meetings (planning and sending round an agenda in advance, coming up with a rough idea of how much time we should spend on each agenda item before the meeting starts, and so on). I also find that a sense of urgency works well – “We’ve got a lot to discuss tonight, so we all need to work really hard to stay on track.” But I can’t pull the “urgency” card at every meeting.
So far I’ve just been shutting her down as politely as I can: “Thanks, Ethel, but can we discuss that when we get to it on the agenda?” “Thanks, but we really need to make a decision on XYZ now.” “OK, I’m sorry, we really need to move on.” But I end up having to do this perhaps five or six times a meeting (and that’s on a good day). It’s exhausting and I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy for repeatedly telling someone who’s half a century older than me to shut up. And we still barely finish on time!
I’m wary of taking steps to boot her out, because Robert can’t be there without her. But I dread every meeting because I know it’s going to be a battle and I’m going to leave feeling exhausted and horrible. Any advice would be gratefully received.