#482: Sexy drunk texts vs. sober rejection: I don’t know what to believe!

Posted on May 23, 2013 by JenniferP — 64 Comments ↓

Sport-flirting with a friend you *know* has feelings for you is bad, bad manners.

Hi Captain:

There is this totally awesome and beautiful girl in some of my graduate classes. I sat next to her and before I knew it we started texting a lot and it looked like it was leading to something more. I tried taking her out to dinner but once she had something come up and then we never got definitive plans after that. One night she started drunk texting me and she expressed that she wanted me. The next morning she appoligized for her texts. I total her don’t worry about. A couple days later the she started drunk texting me again. This time she expressed a stronger desire for me. The next morning she appoligized again.

Later that day she said how she was embarrassed that she wanted me when she was drunk. I told her I liked it because I like her. She then responded with “I thought we were just friends,” “I’m glad I know this now,” and “I hope this doesn’t make things awkward” I tried to get a clear answer about what this meant but was left under the impression that she just wanted to be friends.

Later that night, she started texting me again. This time it became full on sexting. During which she said how much she wanted me. Then the next morning she appoligized again. This time talking about how embarrassed she was and how she gets crazy when she’s drunk. I told her how confused this all made me, but that I like her and she responded “I like how we are now ya know?”

First What the HELL does this all mean?

Is there something I can do to piece this together and go out with her?
Should I wait this out and see what may happen?
Or should I just cut off communication and move on?

Thanks
Too confused to pursue

Dear Too Confused:

I think that you handled this beautifully when you asked the lady out. Straight up: “I like you. Let’s have dinner.” That was cool and confident. And when she said, “No thanks,” you backed off and respected that and tried to keep it strictly friendly & professional. Also cool.

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Tagged with: alcohol, Sexuality, Text messaging
Posted in Captain Awkward's Dating Guide for Geeks, Dating, Enthusiastic Consent, Friendship, Manners, Reader Questions, rejection, Sex

#481: My parents acquired a friend for me (with a gross, moldy congealed side of stalking).

Posted on May 21, 2013 by JenniferP — 227 Comments ↓

Mr. Collins & Lizzie Bennet from Joe Wright adaptation of Pride & Prejudice

At least they aren’t trying to get you to marry him…yet.

Dear Captain Awkward,

My problem boils down to this: can I say no, or do I have to be polite?

I’m not a social person. I don’t have friends at the moment. The reasons for that are many –mostly boiling down to living at home again while I look for a job. At school, I had close friends I still talk to over the internet, but until I get a more permanent job with fixed hours I don’t have a pool of people I can talk to in a neutral space where I can happily make friends. I’m fine with that. But my parents believe friends = happiness.

My parents recently hired a 20-year-old decorator (I’m 23) and the three of them think that we should be friends. Apparently he saw my books and “knew” he could have an intelligent conversation with me, which he can’t get from his other friends. He also thought it would be nice for me to have someone who would ask how my day went. I said no.

From what I’ve seen and what my parents have said, he seems like a good guy. He’s intelligent, has had a pretty crap life so far, and what he’s made for himself despite that is impressive. He also has ADHD and a tendency to talk and talk and talk, which is exhausting. It seems like the biggest plus point in his favour with my parents is that they sympathise with him.

He calls me by my family nickname instead of my actual name, although I’ve asked him not to. He makes jokes about my quietness (usually the typical “you never shut up, do you?” and “can’t get a word in edgeways around her!”) that I can’t respond to with anything but silence. He phones once or twice a day; I refused to give him my number so he calls the house. He’s turned up on the doorstep unannounced twice. And I don’t know if this is normal behaviour or not. Very few of my friends ever came round to my house. But I feel unsafe when alone there. I’m constantly on alert in case he appears.

So I avoid him and then feel bad, because he’s just very enthusiastic and he can’t help his ADHD. Why should I judge him for that? I think I’m being paranoid, picky, or a sullen, uncommunicative, ungrateful cow towards a young man who just wants to be friends. I know I’m probably abnormal for not wanting to make friends right now, and I shouldn’t be so fussy, but I really, really don’t want to spend time with this man.

So – what can I do?

Probably In The Wrong

#480: Post-breakup friend custody with a gross congealed moldy side of stalking

Posted on May 21, 2013 by JenniferP — 72 Comments ↓

We’re only evil stalkers *sometimes.*

Hi Captain!

I’m having a bit of a boundary issue.

About six months ago, I ended a one-year relationship that had become deeply dysfunctional. My boyfriend at the time was very depressed, was using drugs, and was by turns distant and emotionally cruel. I still care about him a lot and I know that most of what he put me through was a result of what he himself was going through – but, I have taken care of myself and moved on. I’m in a healthy relationship now, and I’m very happy.

The previous boyfriend is currently trying to get his life together, and I’m so glad that this is the case. I know that he can be an amazing person when he’s not in the dark place he’s been in. Unfortunately, he’s not better yet, and while I’ll be prepared to be friends with him when he is, I’m not equipped to take on the role of support system while he pulls himself up.

He’s not really taking “no” for an answer. He contacts me frequently, even after promising not to, even after I have told him to stop. He talks to my friends – our non-mutual friends – and leaves posts on my blog. He goes back and forth between being remorseful to the point of grovelling and saying cruel and hurtful things. I’m not ready to deal with all of this, so I have stopped acknowledging him completely and until further notice.

The biggest problem is that we have some mutual friends, and he thinks of them as his territory. I met his best friend while we were still together, and we’ve become very close; I also became close with another of his friends post-breakup (though in the early stages, when it looked like we were going to be able to keep things friendly). I feel like I’ve earned my place in these people’s lives, and they in mine, but I know that it’s hard for him to stop fixating on our time together when I’m always in his periphery, and that he feels like I have stolen them.

I don’t want to stop being friends with these people, but I do want my previous boyfriend to leave me alone so that I can stop being caught up in all this toxicity and so that he can get better. Can I have it both ways, or do I need to cut my losses?

Rock and a Hard Place

Links and a rare promotion/giveaway

Posted on May 21, 2013 by JenniferP — 68 Comments ↓

Credit: Indieflix

Thankfully, Here’s That Bad Advice You Were Hoping For took on the WTF? Dear Prudence penis question. I suspect many of you will enjoy everything about that blog. For instance, this post about a creepily over-involved parent. (h/t @j_zimms)

And here is my favorite recent take on the whole question of “Zones”: Why Do Men Keep Putting Me In The Girlfriend Zone? (Thanks to SweetMachine & @autistliam, among many others, for linking me to this, you were correct!)

And during a Twitter discussion of Jane Eyre last night (we’re all hoping Rochester died soon and left her a rich widow, so she could run off and live an awesome single life while giving exactly zero fucks, right?) someone linked me to this great piece about storytelling and stereotypes and why it matters: “We have always fought”: Changing Women, Cattle, and Slaves Narrative by Kameron Hurley. (h/t @JunebugBecky)

And now for the promotion. Running a much-visited site, I get many wack offers for “free” guest-posting services by content mills and giveaways of things you don’t want. But I think this one will be actually cool and is close to my own interests, so here it is below the jump for folks who are interested in indie film, online streaming platforms, documentaries, and/or documentaries about bullying.

Posted in Uncategorized

Friday Open Thread: Recipes and Books

Posted on May 17, 2013 by JenniferP

Thanks for all the recipes and books! I need to step away from moderation for the next few days due to some work deadlines and can’t pay attention to the spam queue, so am closing comments. We’ll do another one of these sometime soon.

In the meantime, work on finding us a rich benefactor so we can throw a legendary potluck.

______________________________________________________________

Hello, Awkwardeers!

How are you? It is Friday. I am grading final projects. Let’s have an open thread!

Inspired by madgastronomer’s recent sharing of a key lime pie recipe, if you feel inclined, please share a recipe that you love to make.

Ground Rules: If you read the recipe and it contains something you hate, don’t eat, or can’t eat, it would be great if you just skipped over the comment completely without comment. You can ask about substitutions, but no “Ew” or “It sounds awesome except for x ingredient, which is the food of Satan” or “well, I’m allergic so I can’t” or “Not everyone can afford to shop at Whole Paycheck.” Chances are that you’re not going to make whatever it is anyway, and those comments are just a downer for the person who shared it in the first place. Also, there will be zero diet-talk, discussion of calories, weight loss, relative healthfulness, “sinfulness,” shame, moralizing, or guilt. We can do this, I think.

If you also feel so inclined, I’d also love to know what you are reading these days that you love.

Me?

I am about 3/4 way through Swamplandia! and loving it so far. I’ve been reading a ton of Connie Willis & Octavia Butler, also.

Foodwise, I am hoping the farmer’s market has asparagus tomorrow, so I can go back to this for breakfast.

This is a standby cheap & healthy dinner, though my solo-dinner making has resembled this more often than not of late. If you make the broccoli/chickpea/tomato thing, one secret thing I figured out thanks to SweetMachineSP is that if you roast the chickpeas & broccoli (toss with olive oil, salt, and your choice of spices, spread out on a cookie sheet, roast at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-40 minutes) instead of steaming it takes it to eleven.

Happy reading & eating! Happy graduation to my former students, I am proud of you! And happy weekend!

Tagged with: books, eating, food, Friday, open thread, Recipe, recipes
Posted in Open Thread, Soup

#479: Trying to be more social when you have serious dietary restrictions

Posted on May 15, 2013 by JenniferP — 199 Comments ↓

Dear Captain,

I’m in a very happy long term relationship. The biggest problem we face is we’re both introverts, and have some social anxiety along with it. It’s hard to make friends, but we’re trying. We’re very geeky, so we’re trying to get involved in geek spaces.

Next comes the big hurdle, we have diet issues. He has really bad food allergies, and I’m vegetarian. At home we’re fine, we can work around our issues, but…

Social gatherings almost always involve food. We barely eat out anymore because it’s not worth the risk of being so sick afterwards. The local cosplay group meets inside a pizza place, the local crafting group meets at a BBQ place. Going to someone’s house means feeling like entitled jerks for having to grill them on labels and cross contamination, or hoping they’re cool with us packing our own food.

There’s a cosplay meet-and-greet at a con coming up, at a restaurant where we can tell ahead of time nothing’s going to be safe. Is it rude to request it be held on the patio if that’s an option?

What are some scripts for turning down food invitations? Is there a polite way to suggest social gatherings that don’t take place somewhere that could kill him? Right now we’re both so worried about coming across as Entitled Jerks that we tend to just avoid all the gatherings that involve food, which means we don’t get out much at all. We want to make friends, but we also don’t want to get Frequent Flier points at the ER. How can we compromise?

We’re already learned that saying the specifics of the allergy means people will generally lecture us that there’s no way whatever food could contain that allergen, even if we already know it does, so it’s best to stay vague when declining invitations.

Healthy Hermit

Tagged with: anxiety, Event planning, food, health, Meetup
Posted in Manners, Meetups, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, Social Interactions

Notice!

Posted on May 15, 2013 by JenniferP

I am bored with the current WordPress theme and am going to try a few out over the next week or so. This will happen at random & without warning.

What you should know:

I have a way to live-preview how they look, but to actually know how they will work and if I like their functionality I have to go live with them for a bit.
I am only using free basic templates, and since I am trying stuff out, I am not going to sink a lot of effort into messing about within them unless it’s going to become a real fixture. I know there are many talented web wizards here, but this is not in-depth “LET’S OPTIMIZE THIS!” time.
This is a notice so you’re not weirded out when you come to the page, not a poll or a discussion. Comments on this post are closed, and I would ask that you please do not hijack question threads/topical discussions for feedback about template stuff. I’m telling you up front that it stresses me out (even when it’s positive) more than it helps me. Please roll quietly with it for a bit and hopefully we’ll end up with something that works.

I’m working on climbing Mount Gradebook and answering another question that ties in really well to all the party/invitation/manners stuff we’ve been talking about recently. Thank you for your patience and for reading! Pardon our dust! As you were!

Posted in Uncategorized

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#482: Sexy drunk texts vs. sober rejection: I don’t know what to believe!

#481: My parents acquired a friend for me (with a gross, moldy congealed side of stalking).

#480: Post-breakup friend custody with a gross congealed moldy side of stalking

Links and a rare promotion/giveaway

Friday Open Thread: Recipes and Books

#479: Trying to be more social when you have serious dietary restrictions

Notice!

Follow “CaptainAwkward.com”